Brunches, flowers, jewelry, handmade cards — they’re ubiquitous around and on Mother’s Day. Although it’s not the most popular holiday celebrated in the United States, its place in American culture — both traditionally and commercially — is difficult to ignore. But for the millions of people who are motherless, it’s a sharp reminder of their loss.
So what is Mother’s Day to those who have lost their mothers or maternal figures? For author Kate Spencer, who wrote the memoir “The Dead Moms Club,” it’s about finding a way to nurture herself as she navigates the day.
“I know that every year, that is going to look different,” Spencer said. “Some years, Mother’s Day, I get through it just fine. Other years, I’m sad and angry and frustrated. And I try to make space for myself. This is what I encourage for others, is that you get to make it your own.”
Spencer’s mother died when she was 26 after a nine-month battle against pancreatic cancer. She said she wrote “The Dead Moms Club” because she was looking for support and resources and couldn’t find ones she connected with, particularly for her stage of life.
“I did not have many friends who had lost a parent. I just felt completely isolated and alone going through the experience,” Spencer said. “And what I found is that there were some books about grief and mother loss, but they were geared either towards people who were younger than me or people who were older than me. I always knew I wanted to write about the experience of losing my mother. It took a long time for me to really sit down and write in great detail about the loss because processing the grief is always ongoing, but especially in the immediate months and years after it was so raw, I couldn’t even really talk about it.”
Jen Noonan, program director of center-based services at The Children’s Room in Arlington, said acknowledging the complex and multifaceted expressions of grief is essential to her life, both professionally and personally. Noonan’s mother died when she was 30 after a 15-year fight against breast cancer. She now works with children, teens, young adults and their families who have lost a parent or a sibling.
“A lot of the spaces we offer to remember their person who died, to normalize grief, to let people know grief is all of the thoughts and feelings that you feel after someone has died, and it’s okay to feel those feelings,” Noonan said. “Just by being in the space and providing that space for others and with others and alongside others, it’s given me the opportunity to absorb it. So inherently, I think my grief experience has been enhanced by the work that I do.”
Noonan added that being around others who are grieving can be tremendously healing to those still processing their feelings — be it a recent loss or years later.
“Grief can be really, really isolating,” Noonan said. “Being with others is so beneficial to help be in community, to increase connection, to help feel less alone. And being alongside people in that community, hearing what’s hard and hearing what is going well, they’re reminders for me each and every day of what sort of strength and resiliency can look like right alongside sadness and right alongside the hard days.”
And when it comes to Mother’s Day, Spencer said she hopes those who are grieving allow themselves to feel any and all emotions that come to the forefront without judgment or shame.
“Allowing yourself to feel your feelings in whatever way they come up, I think is a lovely way to honor your own needs, but also honor the relationship you had with your mom,” Spencer said.
Guests
- Kate Spencer, bestselling author of “In a New York Minute,” “One Last Summer,” “All’s Fair in Love and Pickleball” and “The Dead Moms Club.”
- Jen Noonan, program director of center-based services at The Children’s Room in Arlington.
