‘Men Explained, Finally’ dives into why (most) men never grow up

Tom Sturges is a man of many talents. He is a music executive, author, mentor, educator, inventor and public speaker.

He served as president of Chrysalis Music Publishing, was executive vice president and head of creative for Universal Music Publishing Group, vice president and general manager of Shaquille O’Neal’s record label.

He is also the author of several books. His latest? “Men Explained, Finally,” a collection of 45 essays that explore why men can be so difficult to change. 

Sturges joined GBH’s Henry in the Hub to talk how that could somehow actually work in their favor. The interview transcript below is slightly edited for clarity.

Henry Santoro: Let’s start with a joke. Do you know the difference between government bonds and men?

Tom Sturges: I don’t.

Santoro: Bonds mature.

Sturges: I should have put that at the front of the book because that’s exactly my point.

Santoro: Now, despite their actual age — or despite our actual age — are most men stuck in the age of 14?

Sturges: That’s what I’ve come to understand. And when I see men doing things that make absolutely no sense at all, I’m thinking, “Boy, this guy’s acting just like he’s 14 years old.”

And I don’t think it’s a negative. I think it is just a fact. It’s a truth about us: We mature to that level, look around and say, “What more do I need than this? I understand the world, I understand how it works. This is going to be my operating system for the rest of my time here.”

Santoro: When I was 14 years old, I wanted to be both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. And I still do. Who did you want to be?

Sturges Who did I want to be at 14? Really and truly, I wanted to be The Beatles. I was living on a ranch in Northern California and coming of age in a very remarkable situation and loved The Beatles more than anything else.

It turns out that I couldn’t write songs like them, so, I spent my whole career searching for songwriters and other talented individuals.

Santoro: Favorite Beatle?

Sturges: Uh — Paul.

Santoro: Still going strong.

Sturges: Still going strong! Although when I was a kid and I got into The Beatles at age six, Ringo was my favorite. And I’ve come to appreciate what a remarkable drummer he is and how great a musician and person he’s become.

But the songwriting, which is what really captured me, that was Paul McCartney.

Courtesy of Zack Schwartz

Santoro: Who did you write this book for?

Sturges: Deep in my heart, I wrote this book for all the women I’ve met who have rolled their eyes when they’re talking about their husbands and gone, “He just won’t grow up!”

And I wrote this as a way of making sure that all these relationships between men and women are as good as they can be. And if women understand us better, I think that we could have much better relationships with them — and much longer and longer-lasting relationships.

Santoro: In your career as a music executive, you work with a plethora of musicians. You signed Smashing Pumpkins, Foo Fighters, Outkast, Jack Johnson, Three Doors Down — just to name a few. My guess is that they unknowingly served as a wealth of information for this book.

Sturges: Henry, you’re so right on with that and I’ll tell you why. To me, rock and roll is a child’s business. The creation of it, the getting up every night in front of a crowd and having a fantastic time showing off all your stuff is no different than inviting somebody over to your room or your fort and saying, “Look what I’ve got here!” It’s the same game played as adults.

Not the business of it. That can be quite evil, as I have been on both sides. But just the joy of rock and roll and being a musician and a performer. It really is being a 14-year-old and having a great, great time every day.

Santoro: Do you miss the music industry?

Sturges: I still consult. I still have a small publishing company. I observe it closely. I vote for the Grammys every year.

I don’t miss the hustle. The hustle was where you get somebody in front of you and make a ton of promises about things that you’re going to do for them. And then you spend the rest of the relationship trying to live up to your promises. I got a little weary of that.

Santoro: Another joke. Are you ready? Do you know why men are like laxatives?

Sturges: No.

Santoro: They irritate the crap out of you.

Sturges: You have got a million of them, right? You’re Henny Youngman’s nephew.

Santoro: If you could name one trait that all men have — an umbrella statement that we all fall under. You, me and all the other men — what would it be?

Sturges: Most women, and I don’t want to generalize, but it’s true, most women do not know this about us. And that is: We fall in love with the face first and everything else after.

We have been saying this to women from the very beginning — with Shakespeare in “Romeo and Juliet.” He says, “That I were a glove upon that hand. That I might touch that cheek!” Christopher Marlowe wrote about the “face that launched a thousand ships.” And Frank Sinatra sang about “the way you look tonight.” James Blunt wrote the song, “You’re Beautiful.”

That is the truth about us and a sign of our immaturity, and our search for beauty — we fall in love with the face first, everything else after.

Santoro: Men love fart jokes, and before GPS, men wouldn’t ask for directions. Men know that everything can be fixed with duct tape or WD-40.

Now, with that said, why do women even bother with us?

Sturges: This is man’s enduring lifelong mystery. How is it possible that a woman could fall in love with one of us? Don’t they see that we are kids, that we are immature, that we are like puppies stumbling through our lives? And we can’t ever figure it out.

It’s because we speak a little French, because we wear that nice cologne, because we drive a nice car? We have no idea what it is, and we never will.

Santoro: What are your thoughts on octogenarian rockers — like Mick Jagger, Bob Dylan, Ian Hunter, Pete Townsend, McCartney and Ringo Starr, Roger Daltrey, Rod Stewart — continuing to live out their boyhood rock star dreams on stage?

Sturges: I’m thrilled for them. I love happiness.

You know sometimes you’ll be out at a restaurant and you’ll hear someone having the greatest laugh of their lives? I go over and sit down and say, “Please tell me what’s so funny.” And then they’re telling, they start laughing all over again.

I love happiness. That’s a beautiful thing for me. And that these guys, the heroes of my childhood, the idea that they still get to live the dream and get out and jump around in front of people and have a fantastic time.

My son is touring the United States right now. His artist name is mehro. And he grew up going to shows with me and seeing what a blast it was when Paul McCartney brings Ringo on stage. I love it.

Santoro: I love what you said about laughter, because I have been saying for years that a good laugh is money in the bank.

Sturges: There is a term, it’s called a paroxysm. And it is that seizure of laughter when your stomach muscles contract and you can’t breathe and you tell the person, “Do not say another word until I catch my breath.” I love those.

And if you could have five or six of those in your lifetime, it is a beautiful life.

Santoro: Final joke, you ready? How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Sturges: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Sturges: Make him wear shoes.