More than ever before, those seeking romantic relationships now often need to clarify with prospective partners whether they’re looking for monogamy or an open, nonmonogamous relationship. Within the latter category is also the concept and practice of polyamory — the relationship structure that involves multiple romantic partners.
The concept is not new, but experts say it has grown in popularity over the past 10 to 15 years, even leading to cities like Somerville passing nondiscrimination ordinances protecting polyamorous relationships and those in relationships with multiple people.
Michael Monroe, a life coach and workshop leader helping male-identifying people navigate polyamory, said he’s been able to track the uptick in polyamorous and nonmonogamous people locally through dating apps since the early 2000s. He is also polyamorous.
“Back in 2006 or 2008 with OkCupid.com, you could put in a few keywords to find nonmonogamous people,” Monroe said. “From Boston, you could do a 50-mile radius, do a search for these key words, and you would sort of successfully find 12 nonmonogamous people, three of whom you already knew. Today I can do a five-mile radius from my home in Somerville and it’s thousands, absolutely thousands.”
Sophie Griswold, a science writer based in Massachusetts who is in a bicoastal polyamorous relationship, said she thinks the tremendous growth in popularity of polyamory in the last two decades can be attributed to the push for queer visibility and liberation.
“I think that has basically caused a lot of reflection across broader groups of people about what do I want my relationship configuration to look like? What do I want my relationships to be? Do I want monogamy? Do I want nonmonogamy? Do I want polyamory?” Griswold said. “I do get the sense that, to some extent, this is generational.”
Younger generations may seem more open to the idea of polyamory, but nonmonogamy and relationships with multiple partners are present in people of all ages, said Dr. Magdalena Fosse, a clinical psychologist, relationship and sex therapist, and polyamory specialist. And, she said, it’s normal for polyamorous people to try different relationship structures throughout their lives.
“There’s people I have worked with where, let’s say in their 50s or 60s, they might have been nonmonogamous before turning to monogamy, and then opening the relationship and coming back,” Dr. Fosse said. “So somebody whose relational life starts in polyamorous relationship at 17 might feel very differently at 30, might make a different choice at 40 and so on.”
Myths and misconceptions about polyamory and nonmonogamy are boundless, including the grouping of polyamory and polygamy.
“Polygamy is one husband with multiple wives. Polyamory is an open relational format, in which men and women and people of other genders, or not feeling that they identify with any gender, can have relationships with each other,” said Fosse. “So it’s by commitment; it is relationships by choice, rather than relationships by societal or cultural expectations.”
There’s also the belief that polyamory is for upper- and middle-class white academics. But recent findings from a survey conducted by OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, suggest that more nonmonogamous people have a “marginalized racial or ethnic identity” than those who have a nonmarginalized identity.
And then there’s the idea that more partners leads to more drama. But Griswold, who’s part of a 60-plus-person polyamorous group called a polycule, said she believes the issue isn’t about the amount of people involved in a relationship.
“Polyamory isn’t messy. Monogamy isn’t messy. Human relationships are intrinsically messy,” Griswold said. “What I wish there was more visibility of in a lot of legacy media is relationships like my own, like Michael [Monroe’s]: people who’ve been doing this for a decade-plus very steadily and very successfully.”
And Monroe said he hopes the future brings far more openness and understanding from the larger population about polyamory and nonmonogamy.
“Polyamory and nonmonogamy is far from a monolith,” Monroe said. If I were to wave a magic wand and have a more enlightened future, it would be about conscious relating and choosing a paradigm that works for you in an enmeshed, interdependent community.”
Guests
- Dr. Magdalena Fosse, clinical psychologist, couples counselor, sexologist, certified sex therapist, co-president of the Psychodynamic Couple and Family Institute of New England, polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy expert
- Michael Monroe, life coach and workshop leader helping male-identifying people navigate polyamory, expert in interpersonal communication, former board member of the Bisexual Resource Center
- Dr. Sophie Griswold, a Boston-based medical and scientific writer
