Reader, I hope you’re as excited as I am to have our Victorian era detective pals back in action! Remember how last season Detective Mustache (Nash) offered our pal Victoria Mars (Eliza) the opportunity to run his office while he went off to set up a new branch in Paris? And how Duke Silver (William) had just gotten dumped by Arabella? It’s been a while, so if you, like me, needed a refresher, you can find all my previous recaps here.

THIS season, we start off at Nash and Sons, where Victoria Mars has taken charge of her team there (which notably consists of neither Nash nor sons, but what’s new). Yeah, you read that right: our ambitious friend has embraced the job opportunity with open arms, like the #girlboss we knew she was all along. While she shows a reporter around — a nice, fawning one this time, not the perpetually shady True Crime Reporter — one of her employees (FANCY) interrupts to get sign off on one of their cases. Just another day for our busy and successful friend! Or so it would seem… unfortunately, once the reporter leaves, all of the bustling “detectives” line up for money and leave for the day. Apparently, Victoria Mars has been stocking the office with a bunch of paid actors, because all of Detective Mustache’s normal employees have deserted!

Hate Him Tom Jones GIF by MASTERPIECE | PBS - Find & Share on GIPHY

The only person, it turns out, who is actually paid by Detective Mustache is his accountant, which explains why he’s not very good at pretending to be a detective. He’s also pretty unhappy with the current arrangement, since paying all these dudes to bustle around isn’t making Detective Mustache any money.

Victoria Mars: I know what I’m doing!

A man asks "you sure about that?"

Now look, Victoria Mars has always been a fake it ‘till you make it kinda gal, but I’m afraid I might have to side with Accountant on this one. It’s not her fault these clowns all quit, but a business cannot be all sizzle and no steak!

Accountant: Look, I did the math, and our financials aren’t as bad as I thought. They’re WORSE.
Me: OH, so you’re here to be the mean best friend this season, got it.
Accountant: Perish the thought.
Me: Hmmm.
Accountant: Look, Victoria Mars, the guys didn’t quit because you’re a girl, they quit because you’re annoying.
Victoria Mars: Half of them left work after lunch, and the other half showed up late! That’s not professional!
Accountant: Well at least Detective Mustache was respectful when he talked to them!

I somehow doubt it, based on his previous behavior, but whatever. Anyway, Victoria Mars insists that things will be fine, and since it’s her name on the show poster, I’m inclined to believe it. Accountant? Not so much. While they sit in silence, the other half of our dynamic duo enters an ACTUALLY busy workplace, fresh off a stabbing crime scene. He strides into his office and calls the guys to attention to deliver some bad news: despite how busy they’ve been, the team has just been assigned to cover two additional areas.

Hardscrabble: Seriously? We’re already swamped!
Me: Babygirl, I have SUCH bad news for you about what’s going to happen in two-ish years.
Duke Silver, ignoring me: We sure are swamped, and to handle demand we’re canceling vacation and everyone’s working doubles.

He barely gets that information out when someone interrupts with an urgent matter. Duke Silver sends away the bulk of the crew, but keeps Hardscrabble and Baby Detective back for a lecture about questioning the boss in front of everyone, especially when the boss is ALSO pulling the same crummy hours as the rest of them. He also tells them about a new shooting, in the fancy part of town.

Duke Silver: Sounds like an armed robbery, at that bougie place called The Temple of Elysium.
Baby Detective: Wait a second, Elysium? Is that a theater?
Hardscrabble, wry: Not exactly!

Oh boy, reader: just as I hoped, this means that we next see sweet Baby Detective and frumpy Hardscrabble in the company of a bunch of very high class sex workers and their madame, who’s annoyed to have more cops in her business.

Madame Elysium: We already answered all these questions, and my staff has been working all night. They need to go home.
Hardscrabble: Well, I get it, but I need to get their answers myself. So: gunman entered the brothel…
Madame Elysium: We aren’t a brothel! We are an elite gentlemen's club!
Hardscrabble: Ok, so the gunman entered the elite gentlemen's club, robbed it, and shot a john?
Madame Elysium, furious: He came in the front door, held my watchman at gunpoint until he’d tied himself up, and then went from room to room robbing my clients. My watchman then managed to untie himself and went out to call for help instead of coming in here, tackling the gunman, and protecting my staff, which is why we PAY HIM.
Baby Detective, to the watchman: You’ll have to come to the station, sir.
Hardscrabble: And I need a description of the gunman please.
Madame Elysium: Black scarf over his face, shabby cap and overcoat. Middle height, fair hair and eyes.

Reader, she says this last bit while scare-flirting with Baby Detective, which is objectively fun. She also explains that all of the gentlemen have left the club; they come to privately “enjoy” her “goddesses,” not talk to the cops. This is a problem for our friends, but Baby Detective is more worried about the fact that he thinks Madame Elysium has gotten her Greek mythology references wrong in the naming of her elite gentlemen's club.

Hardscrabble: Are you serious right now? We need info on the guy who got killed.

After a quick look around, Hardscrabble posits that the victim got into a fight with the robber instead of just turning over cash, and was shot in the struggle. A doctor happened to be one of the “guests”, so he treated the victim and sent him off to hospital. Alas, Madame Elysium just didn’t happen to catch the name of the doctor, the hospital, or the man who was shot, nor did she notice the victim’s condition when he left her establishment. Actual information? None.

A man, annoyed, says "God, that is just... classic her."

Meanwhile, at Victoria Mars’ house, our pal is busy explaining her work issue to Ivy. Ivy, on the other hand, isn’t listening at all. Why? Because she’s got her nose in a book, which let me tell you, reader, warms the cockles of my cold dead heart! Good for you, Ivy; your boss/daughter figure is a lot and you deserve an escape!

Victoria Mars: Ivyyyyyy, pay attention to me!
Ivy: Ugh, fine. But you’re the one who told me to get into novels! Have a cookie, and tell me: do we think Moses might be able to help?
Victoria Mars: I kinda doubt it: he’s apparently really liking Paris.
Ivy, stating the obvious: And what about your friend Duke Silver?
Victoria Mars: I can’t ask him! Things are weird after the whole Arabella thing; sure, they broke up, but we haven’t seen each other in a bit.
Ivy: Why?
Victoria Mars: Because I’ve been busy!
Ivy: Bullcrap. Go see him, and don’t you dare take another cookie: the rest are for Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat.

Recognizing good advice when she hears it, even if she doesn’t want to, Victoria Mars heads right down to the zoo that is Scotland Yard (after changing into a cute new dress, natch).

Duke Silver: You look great. Why are you here?
Victoria Mars: I was passing by and thought I’d see my oldest friend.
Duke Silver, ever the detective:

A man says "I don't believe you."

Weird to be passing by THIS time of night. You don’t pass by, pal, you PLAN, and I’m sorry but this isn’t a good time for a visit. We are slammed, and I can’t tell you why.
Victoria Mars: It’s because your jurisdiction just expanded. Yeah, I read the classified report on your desk, what of it? Look, you need help, and isn’t it good luck that I happen to be here, with a big team of guys who could be of assistance?
Duke Silver: Get out.

Lol, my kingdom for some open and honest communication between these clowns. Anyway, while Victoria Mars leaves in a huff, and Duke Silver seethes in preparation for deciding he should ask for her help, Hardscrabble and Baby Detective roll up to a hospital where it seems their shooting victim from last night has landed. The matron tells them that the man refused to give his name, and then was dosed with a BUNCH of laudanum, so they’re not getting anything out of him tonight.

Hardscrabble: Well, that was a bust. We’ll have to come back tomorrow and try to figure out who he is.
Baby Detective: Uh, I know exactly who he is. I’ve seen him at meetings with my dad. He’s a government minister.

Whoops. While they process that dilemma, Duke Silver arrives at the morgue, where Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat leads him into a room packed with bodies, and then tells him that there are more stashed elsewhere: they are overrun! And they’re having trouble doing their jobs well! Before he can really get talking, Baby Detective’s dad, Unpleasable Commissioner, enters the scene and wrinkles his nose at the smell. After Barney the Morgue Bureaucrat makes himself scarce, Unpleasable Commissioner lays it all out: the guy who got shot works in the home office, and he wasn’t the only fancypants government official at the elite gentleman’s club last night. In fact, most of the stuff that was taken from the patrons had personal information on them: engravings, family crests, etc.

Unpleasable Commissioner: You understand what that means, right? This can’t get out: catch this guy and get all that stuff back asap. I want you to take this on personally!
Duke Silver: You told me to oversee everything, sir.
Unpleasable Commissioner: Yeah, but these people control our budget, kid: do this job, and do it fast. If you don’t, it’s on your head. Capiche?
Duke Silver: Capiche.

And that’s how Duke Silver finds himself interviewing the shooting victim bright and early the next day. Mystery Victim tries to opt out: he’s married and has kids!

Duke Silver: I get it, but I still have to talk to you. And guess what: no painkillers for you until you answer my questions. :)
Mystery Victim: Are you going to arrest me?
Duke Silver: No?
Mystery Victim: Then here’s my statement: I was shot in a hunting accident, final story.

Great. Across town, Victoria Mars starts her day off by picking up a copy of the illustrated police news. Striding into the office, she proudly tells Accountant that this is it: the day everything turns around!

Accountant: Is it? Because I already read the paper and that journalist didn’t publish the piece. They always go for the hottest new story, and, just to rub a little salt in your wounds: if we’d kept our advertising account there, like I told you to, they would have prioritized us. Like they did when Detective Mustache was still here.
Victoria Mars: If you hate it so much, why didn’t you leave like everyone else?
Accountant: I’m not a quitter! And I think you should be nicer to me given the givens.

Accountant, I know you’re new here, but Victoria Mars is always mean to the people she likes! Cheer up! While she stalks out of the room, Duke Silver has another unproductive meeting with Madame Elysium. She still wants the police to leave so her clients will return, and is pretty convinced that her clients will track down the gunman before Duke Silver’s guys (it’s not just fancy men who visit her business, apparently).

Duke Silver: Please don’t be a vigilante. I’ve already got one very annoying almost legal one of those to cope with, and I cannot handle another.
Madame Elysium: Look, I hear a lot of important conversations. I’m a good listener. And from what I’m hearing, Scotland Yard is a hot mess right now. So I don’t really believe you guys can solve this case. Sorry!

Reader, she isn’t sorry at all. Back at the office, Baby Detective tells his work dad that he already pulled a list of all the known armed robbers from the last 3 years, but there are thousands of them.

Duke Silver: Great, get to work then.
Baby Detective: We don’t have enough manpower to get it done!
Duke Silver: Then go tell your real dad how bad it is around here! Ahem. I’m sorry, that was unfair.
Baby Detective: Look, I hesitate to state the obvious but you haven’t been home in days. You need to rest.
Duke Silver: Sleep is for the weak. We need to sort those files.

It’s almost like he knows someone who claimed to have a ton of extra manpower at her disposal just yesterday, because Duke Silver finally gets Idea Face. I would hope, at this point, that it took him this long due to sheer exhaustion, and not because he’s hesitant to trust Victoria Mars, but who knows with him. At any rate, his next stop is Victoria Mars’ office, where she’s once again gathered her horde of paid actors to make it look like she’s super busy and important. After taking Duke Silver back to her office, she quickly deduces that since they’re hiding the identity of the gunshot victim he must be important, and tries to use that (and the volume of work) to negotiate for more money. Unfortunately, Duke Silver isn’t in a cute bargaining mood, so this doesn’t work out, but I respect the hustle nonetheless.

Duke Silver, a FOOL: Good, I’ll send the files over later. Don’t sniff around or dig into this though! I know you!
Me: Not well enough to realize she’s gonna ignore you and do it anyway, I guess.
Victoria Mars: Don’t worry, I promise!

Woman sarcastically says "ok" and gives a thumbs up.

Later that afternoon, Victoria Mars and Accountant start looking over the files, and yes, there are a lot of them. Accountant seems to think this is beneath him, despite the fact that his whole job is literally looking over paperwork, but he’s right when he says this is too much for two people. Victoria Mars, however, has an idea: why not Tom Sawyer the adorable Ivy, who’s recently become obsessed with detective novels, into helping with their detective work? Ivy is unsurprisingly thrilled to be asked, and extremely efficient: she’s way faster than Accountant! Accountant isn’t thrilled to be reminded of this, and Ivy, never one to back down, calls her boss out.

Ivy: You should be nicer to your ONE employee. When you were a kid…
Victoria Mars: Not this again!! Ugh, fine. I’ll be nice. Accountant, sorry I am rude. I’m trying to keep the agency open, but I’ll try to be less of a jerk.
Accountant: All I was going to say is that Detective Mustache has a bunch of informants around the city. Many of whom work at some of the elite gentlemen's clubs. So. Maybe we should talk to them.

An olive branch, and a nice one, even if it does come with the revelation that the list of informants has been locked in a safe and hidden from Victoria Mars this whole time. And yes, obviously she should have access to this resource, but I’m also glad Detective Mustache is keeping these lists quiet, because being an informant is risky business! Anyway, armed with this new knowledge, Victoria Mars meets up with one of the sex workers on Detective Mustache’s list. As always, she’s pretty awkward around this new person, but she isn’t downright rude.

A woman says "You know what that is? Growth."

Victoria Mars: Actually, having a business like that named after the heroes paradise in Greek mythology is pretty cool.
Informant: Yeah, one of the cops thought so too. He also said no women were allowed in Elysium.
Victoria Mars: He’s a nerd, but technically he’s right. Ridiculous fantasy.
Informant: Hmm, well I’ll tell you what: none of our patrons are heroes, and they’re definitely not a fantasy of ours.
Victoria Mars: LMAO I bet. So look, this description of the shooter is pretty unhelpful.
Informant: Yeah, I’ll say: it’s not accurate either. He was actually tall, with dark hair and eyes. Our boss told us to lie to the cops.
Victoria Mars: Wait, why would she do that?
Informant: I hear that she wanted to find the gunman herself. You don’t mess with her and get away with it. Case in point: the watchman? He got fired.

What’s a girl to do after this extremely helpful conversation? Hit up The Amazing Pawnbroker, of course, but in this, Victoria Mars is out of luck. When she rings the bell, she’s greeted by his nephew, who explains that his uncle had to go back to Jamaica.

Victoria Mars, nonplussed: Uh, well maybe you can help me? I’m looking for a watchman who was fired from an elite gentlemen's club in Mayfair, and I need his address.
The Amazing Pawnbroker Junior: I don’t know anything about that. This is a store. Speaking of which, we just got this great delivery this morning: this rare butterfly from the Himalayas.
Victoria Mars: Nice try, but not only is this butterfly not found that far north, it’s not actually that color in real life. It is pretty though… what if I bought one?
The Amazing Pawnbroker Junior: I’d wrap it up.
Victoria Mars: Come on, dude, name your price for the info I need!
The Amazing Pawnbroker Junior: Buy three and we’ll talk.
Victoria Mars: Done.

Business concluded, and new friend acquired, Victoria Mars walks out onto the street, head held high. For a second, at least: True Crime Reporter is waiting for her.

True Crime Reporter: Hey girl, how’s things?
Victoria Mars: I’m busy, what do you want?
True Crime Reporter: To tell you that I’m sooooo super hurt that you went to one of my reporters instead of ME for coverage of your new venture. And we’re friends! “Why would she betray you,” I wondered to myself!
Victoria Mars: Because the last time we worked together you printed a bunch of lies about me?
True Crime Reporter: Oh, like the lies you told me associate? Tsk Tsk. See, I know that all of Detective Mustache’s guys quit, and so did all his clients. So. Given that I’m a journalist, I’ve decided that *I* will write that article about you, and it’ll have facts in it. Specifically, that what was once one of the most successful agencies in town is about to fall apart, all thanks to you. Toodles!!

Wow, he really is leaning into being a horrible villain this season, and while I don’t think Victoria Mars needs any more pressure, maybe this will be the straw that gets her to finally confide in her friend who can help her? Time will tell. First, said friend has to wade through a packed Scotland Yard to find out that his team still hasn’t found the gunman. Unsurprising, given that they’re working with a totally fake description, but still not fun.

Victoria Mars: Heyyyy buddy, I need to talk to you.
Duke Silver: Please, we’re at my office, can you just for once use my title?
Victoria Mars: Ok, Inspector Buddy. Look, I have news, but you have to promise to be chill.

I hope he didn’t promise anything, because obviously Duke Silver is anything but chill when he finds out that his friend has been hiring actors to play detectives at her office. He’s especially peeved that she also lied to him in a bid to get him to hire her.

Victoria Mars: Look, I am SORRY, but you have this nice cushy job, and I’ve been stressed out for weeks.
Duke Silver: Bruh, my job isn’t cushy at all right now, and if you cared about anyone but yourself you’d know that!

He storms out, which is fair, and that’s how Victoria Mars happens to run into Baby Detective a little later in the hallway by herself. Since he’s never grumpy, he’s the one who gets the tip about the actual description of the gunman, and the update that she’s looking for the watchman.

Victoria Mars: Also, while we’re here: what’s up with Duke Silver lately? How is he?
Baby Detective: I can’t lie to you: he’s been… unpleasant. And like, we all know what he was like when I first joined the squad, so that’s really saying something. I’m worried about him. He hasn’t been home for days, and he’s obsessing over this robbery.
Victoria Mars: Let me help you. Share your findings with me.
Baby Detective: The case is SUPER confidential. I can’t. But I CAN leave the file here on the table while I go out into the hallway for a second, and if someone reads it while I’m out, I couldn’t do anything about that, could I? Also if someone reads it they should check page four, in particular, for info about the shooting victim. If, you know?

Bless him. After peeking at the files, Victoria Mars takes herself over to the hospital to read through the victim’s chart and rifle through his possessions. She’s in the middle of examining his leg wound when the Matron comes in, and, as luck would have it, this saves her butt: the Matron assumes that Victoria Mars is a new nurse who just hasn’t put on her uniform yet. The Matron shoves the man’s dirty clothes into Victoria Mars’ hands for disposal and sets her a list of tasks before our friend can get a word in edgewise. Unfortunately, Victoria Mars can’t help herself, and interjects to say that she’s actually a detective. Pal, if those clothes were a clue that you missed because you were too busy insisting you shouldn’t be there, actually, we’re all going to be SO mad!

Anyway, back at the station, Hardscrabble brings in another group of suspects while Baby Detective pulls Duke Silver aside to share some “new information”: Madame Elysium lied about the suspect’s description. He also tells his boss where he got the info, but thankfully that doesn’t deter Duke Silver from his plan to go talk to Madame Elysium about the thing where she lied to him. And at Nash and Sons, Victoria Mars comes back to find that Ivy’s taken some files and left to make dinner for Barney the Morgue Attendant. On the plus side, that missing Elysium watchman? He’s waiting in her office!

Watchman: Yeah, she fired me because I went for backup instead of starting a fight with an armed robber. I mean honestly, I immigrated here for a better life, and my whole career has been getting beaten up and shot. That was fine when I was younger, but now I’m getting older and have kids. Who I now can’t feed. I have no loyalty to her, so I’ll tell you this: she told me to lie to the cops. When I called for help, I didn’t see anyone leave the elite gentlemen's club.
Victoria Mars: If he didn’t get away at the front, how did he leave? Back entrance?
Watchman: There isn’t one. I wasn’t allowed to go upstairs, but I’ve heard there IS a secret way in and out up there. The building next door used to be an exclusive gentleman’s club — the drinking and snooker kind, not the sex work kind — and they wanted a discreet way to get into our establishment. If that door is real, that’s how I bet the gunman got out.

Fun! Obviously our next stop is to examine the abandoned exclusive gentlemen’s club next to the elite gentlemen's club, where Victoria Mars finds three paintings: one of Zeus, one of Posiedon, and one of Hades. Given that the last one was god of the underworld, she starts looking for the secret door to Elysium behind his portrait, and that instinct turns out to be good: she walks through a dusty passage into the room where the victim was shot. Meanwhile, downstairs, Madame Elysium is telling Duke Silver that actually he can leave, because all of the stolen items were returned that very morning! How fortuitous!

Marcia Brady sarcastically says "Sure, Jan."

He isn’t about to let it go that easily, and explains that he’ll be taking that box back to Scotland Yard to be logged as evidence, and that Madame Elysium will be going as well, so she can explain how she got her hands on a bunch of stolen property.

Madame Elysium: Yeah, I don’t think so. I’m certain that your boss told you to close this case quietly and discreetly, and taking this stuff in to be cataloged just ain’t it. So I’m gonna give these back to my clients, and you’re going to go away.
Duke Silver: You’re forgetting something: I have ZERO self preservation instinct and don’t like rich people. Oh, also, a guy got shot here.
Madame Elysium: I heard about him, and what a shame that he was hurt in a “hunting accident.” Toodles.

Upstairs, Victoria Mars, having done her fill of examining the crime scene, heads back into the abandoned club, where she happens to notice another bullet lodged in the floor. For once, she takes this information straight to Duke Silver, who is understandably kind of catty to her at first.

Victoria Mars: I didn’t come here to fight, I have info! I know who the gunman is! Look, there’s a hidden door between the crime scene and the abandoned building next door. I found a bullet in the second location, and I think the gunman shot it off when he escaped. Check out these pants from the guy who got shot — I saved them from the incinerator after all, so don’t be such a jerk, recapper.
Me: Ok, ok, noted.
Victoria Mars: This cloth that matches the pants was attached to the bullet.
Duke Silver: But why would the victim lie about where he was shot?
Victoria Mars: Because the gunman and the victim are the same guy!

Next stop? Bedside interrogation!

Gunman/Victim/Government Minister: Why would I stage a robbery? I’m a fancy man!

A man dances as if in a ballet and says "I'm too sophisticated"

Duke Silver: Well, it turns out that you’re in a pretty bad financial state.
Victoria Mars: Being a junior minister is expensive, huh? All that keeping up appearances?
Me: Ma’am, maybe don’t be throwing stones around in your own glass house, huh?
Victoria Mars: Hush. I’m making a point.
Gunman/Victim/Government Minister: Ok, fine: yes, I needed money to impress people so I could advance.
Duke Silver: Why did you do your robbery there?
Gunman/Victim/Government Minister: It’s my department’s favorite elite gentlemen's club. Seemed like a good place to rob from people who wouldn’t want to admit to being robbed. I was planning to leave the gun next door and get back into bed and pretend to be drunk. But I got flustered after I heard the watchman calling for help, stumbled, fell, and shot myself by accident. I’m not good with handguns.
Victoria Mars: And you had to cover up the fact that you got shot, so you fired into the bedroom floor too. Smart.
Gunman/Victim/Government Minister: I told Madame Elysium everything. Had to, needed her help. She was SO mad that I messed around at her elite gentlemen's club, so she told me to can it, and hid the evidence.
Duke Silver: So she pretended to find the stolen goods, while she actually had them the whole time. Case closed.

I mean, I have to hand it to her, she’s a fixer.

Kerry Washington Scandal GIF by ABC Network - Find & Share on GIPHY

Anyway, naturally, the outcome of this is that Gunman/Victim/Government Minister is going to resign, and Madame Elysium will have no consequences at all (she knows too much). Duke Silver takes this in, when he’s informed by Unpleasable Commissioner, and then seizes the opportunity to actually talk to his boss: this expansion is too much for his team. They need more resources, and Duke Silver thinks someone is going to get hurt.

Unpleasable Commissioner: What do you want me to do about it? We have no money.
Duke Silver: No, but maybe this case can help you persuade the home office? It’d be much better for them if it stayed quiet, after all.
Unpleasable Commissioner: You want me to blackmail the government?
Duke Silver: Did I say that? I said leverage!
Unpleasable Commissioner: I should fire you for that. But given the situation, that’d be bad for us all. Keep your mouth shut. Goodbye.

Ugh, what a jerk. You know who else agrees? Victoria Mars, who gets this story soon after from Duke Silver himself, over a nice whisky.

Victoria Mars: You were obviously just trying to help your guys. Want me to talk to him?

A man laughs so hard he takes off his glasses to wipe his eyes

Victoria: It’s nice to see you smile. Look, I’m sorry I lied. I was embarrassed: I tried my best with Detective Mustache’s guys, but they just thought I was bossy.
Duke Silver: You’re not bossy. You’re determined.
Victoria Mars: Ugh, things haven’t gone as I hoped. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.
Duke Silver: You’re a good detective. Whatever happens, you’ll figure it out. You always do.
Victoria Mars: You’re just saying that so I buy dinner tomorrow.
Duke Silver: We have plans?
Victoria Mars: It’s the last Wednesday of the month, we always go out that day and you know it. Now look, go home and rest, I don’t want you falling asleep at dinner tomorrow.
Duke Silver: Ugh, forget what I said earlier, you ARE bossy. Goodnight!
Victoria Mars: Night.
Ivy, bustling in: Night Inspector! Vic, I found something in these files.
Victoria Mars: The case is closed, we’re all done.
Ivy: It’s not about the gunman. It’s about someone else.

Guess what, reader, it’s a doozy: want to know why Accountant still works for Victoria Mars? Because he has a criminal record! He’s got previous experience as the accountant for THREE separate gangs, and served time for tax fraud.

Accountant: Ok, yes. Detective Mustache hired me when no one else would. I’m very grateful. So I guess I’ll be going.
Victoria Mars: No, don’t. Look, you’re weird, but so am I. I’ll be less of a hard-ass, if you can stop constantly comparing me to Detective Mustache?
Accountant: Deal. I guess we’re stuck with each other.
Victoria Mars: We are going to make this agency successful again. And people who hate on us are making a mistake.
Accountant: Oh, speaking of which, I have news: our Informant came by for her fee, and told me something you might find interesting.

What was it? Well, our next stop is to lurk outside a pub to wait for True Crime Reporter.

True Crime Reporter: Wow, fancy meeting you here! What luck, I was going to come give you a draft of the mean story I wrote about you!
Victoria Mars: That IS lucky, because *I* happen to be friends with a young lady who works at a certain elite gentlemen's club, and she told me she’s supposed to return a bunch of stolen items to her regulars. Since I mentioned we were friends, she gave me this pocketwatch to return to you. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I dropped this off with your wife instead of just giving it to you now? Also, just to be clear: Duke Silver has logged this as evidence, so if I EVER need to prove you hang out at an elite gentlemen's club, I can. Have fun retracting your story!

Crisis averted! We still have the small matter of not enough clients or staff to contend with, but honestly, now that Victoria Mars and Accountant are working together, I think they’ll be fine. We’ll just have to come back next week for episode two to find out!