Everything seems to be going great for JudgyPants, who’s enjoying a nice ramble, which can only mean that things are about to get unpleasant for ya girl as this episode progresses — that’s where the DRAMA comes from!

First, a confession. Reader, despite my well-documented love of period dramas, I have somehow never seen this series. But, to paraphrase Austen herself, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a drama superfan in possession of a mandate to recap must get her butt in gear and cover Pride and Prejudice ‘95, so here we are.

Ready for Roadkill to end? Neither am I, but we must forge on. Frankly, I’m almost as upset as Iron Lady 2.0, who starts the season finale off with a bang.

Oh, were you hoping to find out the outcome of the various traffic collisions last week? Joke's on YOU because instead, we open this episode with the extremely badass Rose, who’s beginning her day at Sheffield Prison. Unfortunately for her, things are NOT GOOD. She returns from a shower to find her roommate Mystery Gal unconscious in bed, with a needle stuck in her arm. Thankfully, quick thinking Rose sends the guard for a defibrillator, but the panicked guard doesn’t actually know how to use it, which feels like a massive oversight (almost as much of an oversight as the guards not carrying naloxone, the drug that reverses opioid overdoses and would actually be pretty useful in this situation). Rose begins CPR and we cut away to the opening credits, and I’m just gonna say it: this really feels like a murder, not an overdose.

Now, in terms of a hard first day on the job, Brit Bartlet sure drew the short straw. The newly appointed Minister of Justice is holding a presser outside the Sheffield Prison (which last week was the site of a riot AND his very awkward Maury Povich moment).

Hugh Laurie’s character is working a “President Bartlet from The West Wing, but make him conservative and whatever the Brits would say instead of folksy” angle, and I can’t tell if it’s smug or charming. Brit Bartlet starts the show by addressing a scrum of reporters: he’s just had a victory in the courts, where he was up against a newspaper which had reported that he exploited his government position to make money. His take:

Now if you thought that episode 2 ended on a spicy note, you'd better gird your loins: Colonel H&D is out here in the semi-darkness of, presumably, Jersey (where, if Hamilton is to be believed, and assuming the original version has the same vibes as New Jersey, everything is legal) for a duel.

The family Dashwood might be kickin’ it by the seaside in a relatively small town, but if you seriously thought an Austen Adaptation would happen without including a ball scene so the characters can flirt/aggressively pine at each other, I don’t know what to tell you. And balls aren’t just for dancing and romance: you can also confront your romantic rival!

Look, I wasn’t kidding when I said this show was steamy. The first scene opens with the kind of firelit lovemaking that starts out hot, and then becomes a little more questionable when you realize from the dialog that these folks aren’t married; taking off our 2020 hats (whew, what a relief, huh?) we have to keep in mind that the gal in this scene might be having herself a little social ruin, as a treat.

What’s more unsettling than internet influencer awards? Broken glass, a puddle of blood, and a honkin’ big knife! This week’s episode starts off with a bang, as a man (presumably the owner of said influencer awards) is tied to a chair in front of a camera setup that screams “I’m primarily used for unboxing videos; why am I being subjected to such violence?” He’s slumped over, his glasses lens is broken (a sure sign of trouble, as any glasses wearer can tell you), and as I mentioned earlier, there’s a honkin’ big knife covered in blood nearby, so I think we can surmise this is our weekly blood sacrifice.