Hugh Laurie’s character is working a “President Bartlet from The West Wing, but make him conservative and whatever the Brits would say instead of folksy” angle, and I can’t tell if it’s smug or charming. Brit Bartlet starts the show by addressing a scrum of reporters: he’s just had a victory in the courts, where he was up against a newspaper which had reported that he exploited his government position to make money. His take:

Now if you thought that episode 2 ended on a spicy note, you'd better gird your loins: Colonel H&D is out here in the semi-darkness of, presumably, Jersey (where, if Hamilton is to be believed, and assuming the original version has the same vibes as New Jersey, everything is legal) for a duel.

The family Dashwood might be kickin’ it by the seaside in a relatively small town, but if you seriously thought an Austen Adaptation would happen without including a ball scene so the characters can flirt/aggressively pine at each other, I don’t know what to tell you. And balls aren’t just for dancing and romance: you can also confront your romantic rival!

Look, I wasn’t kidding when I said this show was steamy. The first scene opens with the kind of firelit lovemaking that starts out hot, and then becomes a little more questionable when you realize from the dialog that these folks aren’t married; taking off our 2020 hats (whew, what a relief, huh?) we have to keep in mind that the gal in this scene might be having herself a little social ruin, as a treat.

What’s more unsettling than internet influencer awards? Broken glass, a puddle of blood, and a honkin’ big knife! This week’s episode starts off with a bang, as a man (presumably the owner of said influencer awards) is tied to a chair in front of a camera setup that screams “I’m primarily used for unboxing videos; why am I being subjected to such violence?” He’s slumped over, his glasses lens is broken (a sure sign of trouble, as any glasses wearer can tell you), and as I mentioned earlier, there’s a honkin’ big knife covered in blood nearby, so I think we can surmise this is our weekly blood sacrifice.

Van Der Valk seems determined to convince me that Amsterdam is the coolest city in the world, and so far it’s kinda working? This episode opens in a billiard hall, a thing I was convinced no longer exists, driven away by the Harold Hills of the world (I was wrong: there’s one less than a mile from the GBH offices). Anyway, THIS billiard hall has a bunch of cool cats, including Euro Cash, who opens the show by losing a game. He’s not having the worst night of the crew, because Hassell calls him, and she looks about as good as any of us feel after spending any length of time on social media these days, i.e. BAD.

Morning. A canal. And… bicycles? We’re most decidedly not in Kansas, friends. Two dudes on bikes race through the twisty streets of Amsterdam, pursued by some very serious police officers. At first it looks like they escape, but no: one of the dudes is, despite his European Johnny Cash ensemble, actually a lawman. I have to assume the stunt budget is negligible, but it’s enough to get us a short but sweet bike fight, quickly culminating in Euro Cash handcuffing the other dude (who I think you should know is wearing a Classic Mafia Tracksuit) to a bridge. He has just enough time to catch his breath and make a cheeky quip about the weather while we process that it’s the same actor who we all just learned to hate when he played Captain Sideburns in Beecham House. Hopefully he’s ditched his evil ways along with the evil facial hair!

I’m not going to lie to you all: I’m SUPER bummed that we've arrived at the season finale for Beecham House. Where else will I get himbo brothers on a road trip? Where else will I find such actually fun "downstairs" hijinks, and when will Bindu get the screentime she so richly deserves? Whither the satisfaction of seeing Ozzy learn how to be a baller at Begum Samru's knee? But I guess we mustn’t dwell, at least not until we find out what happens in this episode. On with the show! Jail sure isn’t looking fun for our buddy JB. A few days pass while Prince Akbar tries to talk his mom into NOT throwing JB under the bus.

What do you do after you reveal your biggest secret, potentially putting your baby in danger and pushing away a cute gal you’re kind of into? Well if you’re JB, you find a secluded spot to sit where you can be backlit by the sunset. It’s almost as if he’s predicting the rise of the Instagram influencer about 200 years early, and frankly, it works. Back at the house, Maya gets to wake up to the lovely sound of her roommate Chanchal barfing. I think we all know where this is going! In less troubling news, Chandrika and JB seem to be building a sibling relationship that looks like it might give them both some comfort. Having the secret out in the open has at least made the two of them a little less weird and broody, which makes sense, and as a viewer, is a big relief, not that I think it'll last.

Remember how last week Chandrika was sneaking into JB’s room in the middle of the night? We’re about to find out why. JB: You shouldn’t have come here! Chandrika: Come on, don’t pretend we don’t have a connection. You can’t just forget the past. JB: Looking at you just overwhelms me, dude! Chandrika: Oh, me too. JB: Then what do you want from me?? Does Chandrika answer? I don't know, because we immediately cut to the next morning. PTF Violet barges into Mom Beecham’s room first thing, because she’s mad as hell re: what she saw last night, and she’s not gonna take it any more!