'Van der Valk' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: La donna è mobile

Ok so: last week we got our gang back together to solve a super creepy serial killer case, all while watching our pal Euro Cash make leaps and bounds in his personal growth. This week seems to be off to a decidedly more sparkly start, with a mysterious person examining a honkin’ big diamond. And lest you think this is some kind of romantic situation, in the background, we pan out to reveal… a very dead body. Yikes!

Meanwhile, our favorite goth besties “enjoy” a night on the town (at least as much as Euro Cash appears to enjoy anything).

Euro Cash: Check it out: I got Sniffer some wildly fancy dog treats!
Hassell: Yeah, whatever man: I have dirt. Big Cheese knows that Clooves lies about taking care of his mum! Doesn’t that bug you?
Euro Cash: I’m trying to be less bothered in general. What, are you annoyed?
Hassell: YEAH BUDDY. In that vein: check out this interaction at the bar! Why do men keep flirting when they don’t stand a chance?
Euro Cash: No clue. I never flirt with anyone, beautiful women just appear on my boat. My guess is that a lot of guys don’t like to admit defeat.
Hassell: Well that lady isn’t going home with those dudes, but I might be in luck here.

While she gets her flirt on, elsewhere in the city, a man with absolutely unhinged-big glasses mixes together blood and what looks like ashes, then pours the paste into a heart shaped cutout in a diamond. Truly bizarre; can’t wait to find out wtf is going on here.

Back at the bar, Euro Cash is about to absent himself so Hassell can capitalize on her flirting when he’s backed into a corner by Lena. Folks, he doesn’t play it even a little bit cool, and stammers over the introduction.

Hassell: LMAO, my guy, disaster. Nice to meet you, Lena, this will be fun.
Euro Cash: Well, I’ll just get my dog treats and we can go! BYE!

Amazing. Also amazing? Our second shirtless Clooves sighting in as many episodes. My favorite nerd is trying to get ready for his day when he’s surprised by Euro Cash, who is somehow just… in Clooves’ gym’s locker room.

Clooves: Uh, what are you doing here?
Euro Cash, being very weird: Oh, I thought I might join. Locker space seems… generous.
Clooves: It is?
Euro Cash, getting a text: Welp, that’s Drunkie Howser. We have a crime scene.

Look, words cannot really express how awkward this whole interaction was. What the heck are you up to, Euro Cash? Later, at the crime scene, the squad arrives at one of the nicest sets we’ve ever seen on this show, which makes sense once Clooves explains that the house belongs to a family who own a massive diamond empire. The mum of the family recently passed away after a failed heart transplant, and apparently the hits just keep on coming for these people: there’s a human torso stuffed into a crate in their garden.

Clooves: There’s a gate that might have been the entry point; the security system is offline. The kid got back late last night, came out for a smoke, and found the body.
Drunkie Howser: Ooh, look: a fingernail!
Random Stranger: Sorry to interrupt, but we just got a call from one of the other Diamond Siblings: someone left them a gift too.
Euro Cash: Ok, Drunkie Howser, we’re going to need you.
Drunkie Howser: Tough cookies! Unlike this guy, I can’t be in two places at once.

HA, good one. Euro Cash assigns Clooves to call Woodsman Cop. Clooves, obviously, already tried him, but Euro Cash basically says to just keep calling until they get an answer.

Hassell: Weird that we now have a torso and legs but no head.
Clooves: Technically not that weird! The killer probably kept it as a trophy; a symbol of power. The ultimate act of possession.
Euro Cash: Touch grass, kid.
Drunkie Howser: Ignore him, you know he’s a grumpy loner.

Heading inside, said grumpy loner ambles up to Random Stranger, who happens to be a friend of the Diamond Family, and can thus tell our team that there’s a third sibling: a brother. Obviously, Diamond Heir is the clear next place to look for a body part, so Hassell gets on that. Meanwhile, Woodsman Cop finally arrives in the nick of time outside of Elder Diamond Heiress’ house, joining Euro Cash to view the legs.

Elder Diamond Heiress: His name is Ahmet Baykam: he’s a diamond polisher at our factory.
Euro Cash: Be kind, rewind: how did you recognize your employee from his feet/genitals?
Elder Diamond Heiress: It’s part of working at our company. He has a distinctive mole.

Euro Cash still looks pretty baffled, but I guess if you work with a valuable product that could be smuggled out of a factory easily you might institute strip searches too? I don’t know, folks, this whole industry is such a dumpster fire that I’m not finding this all that hard to believe. Anyhow, he’s spared a response because his phone rings, and yes, there’s a chunk of Ahmet at Diamond Heir’s house as well. Diamond Heir explains that there’s a doorway at street level where they used to deliver coal, and that’s probably where the crate was brought in. He has security cameras, but not covering that part of the house. TBH, this all feels rather convenient, and Euro Cash agrees, out loud.

Back at Elder Diamond Heiress’ house, Woodsman Cop starts asking a few questions about their victim.

Woodsman Cop: So… what was your relationship with the victim?
Elder Diamond Heiress: Oh, it wasn’t a relationship. It was a May/December fling. Speaking of which, I notice that you are also quite a bit younger than me…

Woodsman Cop, who last season seemed preternaturally down to clown, might be getting his mojo back: he’s clearly, at minimum, amused by the implications here. But he’s on the job, so he asks the pertinent question: how long did the relationship last?

Elder Diamond Heiress: Oh, just a few weeks, but he was trying to woo me for a lot longer. That’s how he planned to get ahead in the company.
Woodsman Cop: So that’s why you ended it?
Elder Diamond Heiress: No way! I love ambition. But I got bored of him. I like more temporary situations.
Woodsman Cop:

Across town, Euro Cash asks Diamond Heir about family enemies, which quickly reveals that Elder Diamond Heiress has a reputation for being scary and intimidating. Diamond Heir also spews some platitudes about how tough business is, and then explains that they’re modernizing and expanding.

Diamond Heir: This is a huge pain in the butt; we don’t need this now!
Euro Cash: Yeah, well neither did Ahmet.
Diamond Heir: Don’t be like that: we will take care of his family. Family is everything to us! It’s why we have such a good reputation.
Euro Cash: Hmmm, well if that’s the case, then why is there a dismembered corpse in your basement, huh?

Looking around the house, Euro Cash asks about a pamphlet on the table. Apparently, the family’s new range is in their mother’s memory, and features the diamond with the ashes of Diamond Mum’s heart in the middle we saw getting made earlier. Apparently, Diamond Mum was metal as hell, and so when she decided to have her heart transplant, she had her old heart burned and put in a diamond.

Euro Cash: So she was literally putting her heart into her work?
Diamond Heir: Yep. And then three weeks after the operation her body rejected the donor heart.
Euro Cash: So who runs the company?
Diamond Heir: Me, for now, but nothing will be formalized until the will reading tomorrow.
Me, just a little bit, if this doesn’t somehow turn into a Knives Out situation:

Before Euro Cash can pursue that line of questioning further, Random Stranger arrives on the scene and tells Diamond Heir that he’s arranged for the family Doctor to come take a look at Younger Diamond Heiress.

Euro Cash: I’m sorry, but who the heck are you?
Random Stranger: Oh, I’m the Diamond Family Therapist.
Euro Cash, unfortunately as closed minded about therapy as you’d expect: Why does the family need a therapist?
Diamond Heir: To help us deal with our money.

Reader, I really thought he was about to say “to help us process grief” or something? All I have to say is WHEW, must be nice! Anyway, later, everyone meets up at the bariefing room, including the very adorable Sniffer, who’s denied a treat by her responsible mama Big Cheese.

Woodsman Cop: Ok, well I’ll look into Diamond Family Therapist. Maybe he can help me deal with my salary.
Big Cheese, handing him a pastry: Look, I feed you, don’t complain.
Woodsman Cop: Hm. Anyway, Elder Diamond Heiress and Ahmet’s relationship was transactional. He was using her to get ahead at work, and she was using him for sex.
Hassell: Jealous lover then maybe? Was she married?
Cliff Bar, always helpful: Divorced. Her husband ran off with a dancer.
Big Cheese: Ugh, diamond people. Not really a fan of their business, but I liked Diamond Mum. She was kind of a girl boss, you know? Her husband died right after the youngest was born, and Diamond Mum responded by really putting her all into the company.
Hassell: Hey, didn’t you ask Diamond Heir if they had any enemies? Because here’s one: Jacob Prins. He was their chief buyer for years, and then got fired just a couple of months back. He claims it was an unfair dismissal.
Clooves: Well, they were moving in a different direction; there’s new markets abroad, and anyone who knows anything about this thinks they're getting ready to sell the company. Takes a lot of money to maintain that lifestyle; Diamond Mum was worth 13 billion when she died.
Woodsman Cop: Yeah, but was she happy?
Euro Cash: Not when her heart failed. Money really can’t buy everything, as it turns out.
Hassell: Do you think it’s weird that we have three super rich people in super fancy houses, and the security was down everywhere? Seems like that would require advanced planning.
Euro Cash: Yeah, or inside knowledge. You guys look into that. What do we know about our victim?
Clooves: Ahmet lived in the north of the city. No phone, but we’re looking into it.
Euro Cash: And we haven’t informed his family yet, so who wants to do it?

Everyone suddenly looks very busy, so Big Cheese gives our goth hero the task. He begrudgingly heads out to do it, but not before arranging to have a chat with her later on, presumably about Clooves. Lucky for him, he gets out of there just in time to avoid getting in trouble for giving Sniffer unsanctioned treats while Big Cheese is distracted. Across town, he arrives at a large apartment block, where a group of young folks are playing and exercising outside. Following one of them upstairs, he finally asks her for directions to Ahmet’s apartment, only to discover that she’s Ahmet’s sister, Naz. Not pulling his punches, Euro Cash asks her if there’s somewhere they can go so he can give her bad news.

Later, sitting on the steps, Naz processes what she just learned. She also gets in a well earned dig about how bad Euro Cash is at this kind of thing (with no arguments back because, well, yeah).

Naz: I told him not to work there. It’s not his world. He used to brag about polishing diamonds.
Euro Cash: And could that have got him into trouble?
Naz: Duh. He was impressed by all the glitz, but he never really fit in. Yes, he wanted to climb the corporate ladder, but he never got that far, obviously. How was he killed?
Euro Cash: Are you sure you want to know?
Naz: I need to.
Euro Cash: Ok… he was killed by a blow to the head, and then his body was cut into pieces and dumped at the houses of the Diamond Family.

Just then, a big dude comes around the corner. He and Euro Cash definitely know each other, and not in a fun way.

Yusuf: Why are you talking to my sister?
Naz: Why do you two know each other?
Yusuf: He's why I went to prison.
Euro Cash: Uh, that, and the thing where you beat the crap out of someone.
Naz: Now isn’t the time. Someone killed Ahmet.
Euro Cash: Sorry, I have to ask: was Ahmet involved in your line of work?
Yusuf: No idea what you’re talking about, bud.

Later, at the morgue, Euro Cash fills Hassell (and us) in: Yusuf is a low level gang member, so Ahmet’s murder could theoretically be gang related. They’ll have the guys follow up. In the meantime, they ask for an update from Drunkie Howser. The fingernail? At the lab, and they’re going to need to swab everyone and their mama in order to get a match. Here’s something weird: there’s not trace elements or tool marks on any of the cuts! Lucky for us, Drunkie Howswer is a smart cookie:

Drunkie Howswer:

Water. Highly pressurized water cutters are used in the jewelry industry, and they wouldn’t leave a trace.

I love it. Back at the station, Euro Cash pops into Big Cheese’s office for that chat, and immediately gets told off for feeding trash to Sniffer.

Euro Cash: How is she in general?
Big Cheese, clearly doesn’t mean it: Nightmare! Barks at birds, steals my shoes, and keeps finding my neighbor’s weed. What can I do for you?
Euro Cash: What didn’t you tell me about Clooves?
Big Cheese: Only what you didn’t need to know. Trust me, ok?
Euro Cash: You’ve never withheld info from me before.
Big Cheese: Just trust me.

Later, across town, the Diamond company’s hosting a tour of their offices when Euro Cash and Hassell approach, with Euro Cash pretending he wasn’t just talking to Big Cheese about Clooves.

Hassell: Great, now you’re lying too. Fun! Anyway, Diamond Family Therapist checks out; apparently he used to be a big deal before he started working exclusively with them. I bet it pays well, but it can’t be an easy job at the moment. And that’s not even considering the whole “mum put her heart inside a diamond and locked it away forever” thing.
Euro Cash: I dunno, I kinda dig that.
Hassell: Sure, except you’re obviously trying to open that withered heart of yours up lately.
Euro Cash: I should probably stop then.
Hassell: Don’t, it’s good for you.

Inside the offices, Diamond Heir’s tearing up over the diamond with his mom’s literal heart in it, and praising the workmanship to that dude with the unhinged-big glasses we saw at the start of the episode. Could he be the killer? Seems too simple. As they enter, Unhinged-Big Glasses asks if Diamond Heir is SURE he wants to go ahead with the launch. Hearing his answer, and spotting Hassell and Euro Cash approaching, Unhinged-Big Glasses heads off.

Hassell, entering: So, this is the star of the show?
Euro Cash: You don’t seem so excited though? Is it because of all the body parts?
Diamond Heir: Yeah, that wasn’t exactly how I wanted today to go!
Euro Cash: Aside from the personal connection, is that diamond itself valuable?
Diamond Heir: Yeah buddy, it’s massive and has all 3 Cs. Only the best for mama.
Euro Cash: Hm. Why didn’t you tell me Jacob Pris filed a complaint?
Diamond Heir: Didn’t think it was relevant.

Weird, but ok? Diamond Heir explains that while they had a messy parting, the company bought Jacob a gem store and then gives our pals the address. He also tells them that the Diamond company doesn’t use water jets anymore: they use lasers.

Me, a millennial:

Sure, they used to use water cutters for engraving, but the technique has since changed. Euro Cash, unruffled, tells Diamond Heir that they’ll need DNA samples of pretty much everyone, and that he needs to talk to Ahmet’s coworkers. Diamond Heir assigns someone to take the duo upstairs, and on the way, this guy tells them allll the dirt.

Sharing is Caring: Look, Ahmet wasn’t a team player. I didn’t mind, but not everyone liked that. This is where he worked; right next to Unhinged-Big Glasses. He’s a legend. Been around for centuries, right?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: Rude, pal!
Sharing is Caring: They’re here to ask about Ahmet.
Unhinged-Big Glasses: Ah. Well, he sure didn’t like working in this space; it definitely wasn’t what he imagined. That’s why he applied for Jacob’s old job as a buyer. He just started the other day.
Euro Cash: We hear Jacob wasn’t happy about losing his job… maybe he took it out on his replacement?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: No way, he’s no murderer. He’s old school; believed the company was betraying its roots.
Hassell: What did you think?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: Oh, I agree. When Diamond Mum got sick she wasn’t able to retain control of the situation.
Hassell: Hm. And what was she like as a mum?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: … not a natural. That’s why she hired Diamond Family Therapist; chuck money at the issue, you know?
Euro Cash: You designed the recent collection, right?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: As much as anyone can design a diamond; it’s about revealing what’s there.
Euro Cash: Ok? And you probably saw Ahmet yesterday; how did he seem?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: He was great! He was going on a date to celebrate his promotion. Didn’t say who with but he left right before seven.

New information gleaned, the duo ask to see any personal space Ahmet might have had, and Sharing is Caring takes them off to the locker room, where they break into Ahmet’s locker. Inside, they find a sticky note with a restaurant name printed on it; Euro Cash heads off to look into that, whilst Hassell plans to talk to Jacob. Interestingly enough, when she arrives at Jacob’s new business, who should be leaving but Ahmet’s brother Yusuf!

Hassell: What a funny coincidence!
Yusuf, has no clue who this broad is: What are you saying?
Hassell: What brings you here?
Yusuf: I want another tooth diamond. I’ll just come back later. Bye!
Hassell: Ok, so why was he really here?
Jacob: He knows I left the Diamond Company on bad terms. He figured I might have dirt to share. But I don’t.
Hassell: Hm. Maybe he was just curious how you felt about his brother getting your old gig?
Jacob: He did?
Hassell: You didn’t like the direction of the company, right?
Jacob: Not at all. When Diamond Mum got sick, Elder Diamond Heiress and Diamond Heir started taking over. I really hope Elder Diamond Heiress doesn’t get the company: she’s too hard, and has none of her mom’s graces. Diamond Mum shouldn’t have died. She went to their family home in Greece to recover, but that trip was too much; I accused them of killing her, basically. She was too far from a hospital, and while they took the family doctor, he’s on the payroll and just does what they tell him to. Same thing with Diamond Family Therapist. That company was my life; this is not the same.
Hassell, casually: So, where were you last night?
Jacob: I was at the opera. Rigoletto.

Hassell correctly points out that Rigoletto is all about revenge, but she fails to note that it also has a whole thing about seduction and power dynamics, which I feel might also be a bit on the nose here? Meanwhile, at the restaurant, Euro Cash leans on the bar and flashes his badge at the lone server, who seems just as thrilled to be talking to him as I would be. She confirms that she was working the previous night, but claims to not recognize Ahmet. Euro Cash clearly has doubts, and asks her to see her reservation list from the previous night. She half-heartedly pages through the records, coming up empty, so Euro Cash grabs the book to look for himself.

Euro Cash: There’s something for a Diamond Family member: which one?
Lone Server: The party one; Younger Diamond Heiress. She hung around for like 30 minutes getting hammered, realized her date wasn’t coming, and then left.

Oh HO. Both sisters, Ahmet? Bold move! Speaking of bold, back at the station, Woodsman Cop is about to rudely snoop at Clooves’ ringing phone when the man himself walks in, hides his mobile, and pointedly asks how Woodsman Cop’s faring with his research into Ahmet’s phone.

Woodsman Cop: Last call was from a prepaid, untraceable number. Good times.
Clooves: Ooh, look at this: Yusuf was arrested after a fight… with Ahmet.

That IS interesting, so the two head over to speak with Ahmet’s family, arriving just after two of the Diamond Family leave, having delivered condolences to a very unimpressed Naz. They ask after Yusuf, and how he gets on with Ahmet, given the fight.

Naz: Do you have siblings?
Woodsman Cop, finally explaining his whole vibe: I’m one of eight.
Clooves:

Woodsman Cop: My dad married 3 times; we’re a blended family. So yes, I know about sibling stuff, but none of us ended up in jail for assault.
Naz: Just because they fought doesn’t mean Yusuf killed Ahmet! He just didn’t like our brother working for the Diamond Family. But look, we all try something to get out of our circumstances.
Clooves: Speaking of the Diamond Family, were they only here to offer condolences?
Naz: No, they also offered to pay us off. Even get me my own gym; just as long as I don’t talk to the press. But unlike Ahmet I can’t be bought.

I respect it! Across town, Euro Cash and Hassell arrive outside Younger Diamond Heiress’ house just after Diamond Family Therapist. Answering the door, apparently intoxicated, she invites them all in with a joke about how this number of house guests could turn into group sex, which naturally, everyone ignores. Inside, when Euro Cash asks if she’s alright, Younger Diamond Heiress brushes him off: she’s got happy pills from the family doctor, who’s also here, so she’s all set.

Doctor: She needs rest; she’s still grieving. Please keep the questions brief. Bye!
Hassell: Actually, I’d like to speak with you.
Doctor: Fine. Younger Diamond Heiress, behave.

While they head to another room, Euro Cash tells Younger Diamond Heiress that they’ve identified the body, and asks her about her planned date the previous night.

Younger Diamond Heiress: Yeah, well, when he didn’t show, I called up Diamond Family Therapist and we went out drinking together.
Diamond Family Therapist: That was around 10:30.
Euro Cash: And what were you doing between dinner at 7 and 10:30?
Younger Diamond Heiress: Honestly? No idea! I don’t take rejection well.
Euro Cash: Do you guys often sleep with your employees? I ask because Ahmet was also having sex with your sister, and based on your expression right now, you didn’t know that. But Diamond Family Therapist over here did.
Younger Diamond Heiress: WTF? Why didn’t you say!?
Diamond Family Therapist: It was in confidence. Keeping secrets is part of my job.
Euro Cash: Ahmet tried to use his relationship with your sister to further his career. Did he do the same with you?
Younger Diamond Heiress: Yeah, I guess so. I put in a word to get him Jacob’s job. Otherwise it would have gone to Sharing is Caring!

Yikes! Outside, Doctor tells Hassell that Diamond Mum’s death was inevitable: her body rejected the donor heart, simple as that. He also pretty quickly figures out that she’s asking because of Jacob’s whole “if she’d been in Amsterdam she’d be alive today” theory. No, Doctor insists: the rejection triggered a stroke, and she died almost instantly. That would happen anywhere. Hassell clearly still doesn’t buy this 100%, and confirms that she can get the death certificate. Honestly, given how weird he’s acting, I think she’s right to press, but organ transplantation is a very complex procedure with a lot of inherent risk, so this could be 100% true.

Later, back at the station, everyone shares what they’ve learnt so far. Unfortunately, they still have no camera footage from any of the Diamond Family homes, but they have confirmed that Ahmet disappeared in the half hour between when he left work and was meant to go on his date with Younger Diamond Heiress. Because they can trace a direct route between the office and the restaurant, the next step is to canvass all the businesses on the route to check CCTV. We also review all the possible suspects: Jacob, Yusuf, Younger Diamond Heiress, Diamond Family Therapist, and Sharing is Caring.

Hassell: Maybe Euro Cash should talk to Diamond Family Therapist.
Big Cheese: Ooooh, Euro Cash seeing a therapist? That’d be great.

Hard to argue, Big Cheese. Outplayed, Euro Cash heads across town to do just that, and starts his interview off by commenting on how fancy Diamond Family Therapist’s office is.

Diamond Family Therapist: Well, they take good care of me.
Euro Cash: And you just work for them forever then?
Diamond Family Therapist: No, we renew yearly. But Diamond Mum was adamant that I work exclusively for them. Gives me tons of time to write papers and articles! They’re good employers.
Euro Cash: Jacob disagrees.
Diamond Family Therapist: He made the mistake of thinking he couldn’t be replaced. When he found out he was wrong, he lost it. Very publicly. And he came here a lot too.
Euro Cash: Where were you last night before Younger Diamond Heiress called you?
Diamond Family Therapist: I was attending a talk a colleague of mine put on.
Euro Cash: And your relationship with Younger Diamond Heiress — what’s up with that?
Diamond Family Therapist: I go where they need me. Usually she’s a little more chill, but she’s having a hard time with Diamond Mum’s death: all she wanted was her mother’s approval. And since I can tell you’re wondering, no, we did not sleep together.
Euro Cash: Was she upset about being stood up?
Diamond Family Therapist: Can’t tell you; confidentiality.
Euro Cash: Fine, then tell me about Diamond Mum.
Diamond Family Therapist: Diamonds were her life. She put them above everything; the company definitely came before her family.
Euro Cash: And why is Diamond Heir in charge instead of Elder Diamond Heiress?
Diamond Family Therapist: Because he put the firm first. He’s dutiful and obedient. Both sisters were rebellious.
Euro Cash: Did you sleep with him? Did Ahmet? Oh, wow, you should not play poker. So if Diamond Heir slept with Ahmet, why didn’t he say anything about that to me?
Diamond Family Therapist: He isn’t open about his sexuality. And even if Ahmet was using him too, Diamond Heir wouldn’t kill anyone. If he did, why deliver part of the body to himself? That’d be extreme, no?
Euro Cash: You’re the expert! Speaking of which, in your professional opinion, what kind of person cuts a body into three chunks and drops them on people’s doorsteps?
Diamond Family Therapist: It’s deliberate. Vengeful. Arrogant.

Across town, Clooves and Woodsman Cop retrace Ahmet’s probable steps from the night of the murder. Woodsman Cop insists on a bet: they’ll split each side of the street looking for footage, and whoever finds Ahmet gets his beers paid for. Clooves tries to decline (of course he does) but is sucked into the competition when Woodsman Cop runs off into the first shop. Hilariously, and predictably, Clooves finds Ahmet first, prompting Woodsman Cop to try for double or nothing.

Meanwhile, Hassell heads back to the Diamond Offices to talk with Elder Diamond Heiress and Diamond Heir, who don’t look too pleased to see her. Too bad: she needs to look through everyone’s locker. She also lightly prys into the whole “post surgery trip to Greece” thing.

Diamond Heir: The operation went really well, and we all thought she’d recuperate best in our luxurious vacation home, including mum.
Elder Diamond Heiress: Both doctors and the medical team went with her. She died of a massive stroke; there’s nothing anyone could have done, even if she’d been here.
Diamond Heir: If that’s all, I need to go get the diamond from the vault.
Euro Cash, arriving on the scene: I’ll come with you. I need to ask you some questions about Ahmet.

Heading toward the vault, Euro Cash asks why Diamond Heir didn’t say anything about his connection with Ahmet. Diamond Heir, predictably, tries to argue that his private life is, ya know, private, but given that Euro Cash is a cop and nosey, that doesn’t hold a ton of water. Euro Cash next asks the obvious question: what was Diamond Heir doing last night? Being home, alone, apparently.

Upstairs, Hassell presses Elder Diamond Heiress on her mother’s death, and their tense conversation is interrupted by a crash of broken glass from behind them, where Younger Diamond Heiress is already causing a ruckus. Elder Diamond Heiress? Furious. Can’t her sister just be cool for once? No, as it happens, because she doesn’t like this launch! Seeing her dead mother’s heart on display? Not her bag! Especially since Elder Diamond Heiress is just expanding the business to make it more likely to sell for more money. Elder Diamond Heiress tries to discredit her sister, but honestly, I feel like Younger Diamond Heiress gets it. The two seem poised to descend into a clearly well worn and petty argument when Elder Diamond Heiress notices that Jacob has arrived. WTF?

Younger Diamond Heiress: I invited him. He was the best buyer we ever had. It’s called loyalty, look it up!

Across town, Woodsman Cop’s hit paydirt: video camera footage of none other than Sharing is Caring beating the crap out of Ahmet. Speaking of Sharing is Caring: at the Diamond factory, said unlikely pugilist looks QUITE upset by whatever it is he’s found (or hasn’t found?) in his locker. Unhinged-Big Glasses comes upon him in the locker room, but Sharing is Caring doesn’t explain, running out of the building in a barely-controlled panic. Outside the vault, Euro Cash gets the call from the guys re: their probable suspect, but before he can go look for Sharing is Caring, he instead tells his colleagues to summon Drunkie Howser: there’s another body! Yes, you heard that right: collapsed on the vault floor is Doctor, and in other bad news, the diamond has also gone missing.

Upstairs, Hassell beelines for Elder Diamond Heiress: she needs to find Sharing is Caring, everyone needs to stay where they are, and the launch has to be canceled. So overall just not a great day! Elder Diamond Heiress is struggling to process all of that when Hassell leaves abruptly: she’s spotted Sharing is Caring from the corner of her eye. She tries to get him to stop and talk, but of course, he runs. After a short pursuit, aided by Euro Cash, they catch their quarry in an alley.

Sharing is Caring: I didn’t do anything!
Euro Cash: Then why do you have Ahmet’s blood stained wallet?
Sharing is Caring: I just found that planted in my locker! I ran because I panicked! Everyone is stressed. Also, fine, yes, I got into a fight with Ahmet. He was talking crap about me at work so I told him off, and then I left. For all I know he went off to that date or whatever. Look, I didn’t like him, but that doesn’t mean I killed him!
Hassell: We’re just trying to understand his movements, and you were the last person to see him.
Sharing is Caring: Someone called him. While I was holding him against the wall. He was really upset to miss it.

Back in the vault, Euro Cash asks Diamond Heir for details on Doctor. Turns out, he’d been their family physician since the kids were little, and was divorced. Euro Cash also asks who had the code for the vault. This is where it gets interesting: only the siblings had the code, at the insistence of Diamond Mum. Drunkie Howser puts out that Doctor was almost certainly strangled to death. The body is still warm, so it could have happened as recently as an hour ago. He’s spot on: the vault was opened just over an hour ago. More bad news: Diamond Heir finds out from the security team that the cameras were disabled earlier that day. That can only have been accomplished with the same code needed for the vault.

Diamond Heir: I feel like I don’t need to tell you how important that diamond is to us. Get it back.
Euro Cash: Cute, but murder for SURE trumps lost property. Drunkie Howser, any update on those swabs?
Drunkie Howser: We have everything collected; I'll just need to run the comparisons.

Upstairs, Woodsman Cop tells Euro Cash that Ahmet did indeed get a call whilst getting beaten up by Sharing is Caring. Unfortunately, the call was from a prepaid phone, so not super helpful.

Elder Diamond Heiress, at her brother: How did this happen? You were supposed to be in charge!
Euro Cash: It’s not so much how as WHO. Unless one of you told someone else the code.
Elder Diamond Heiress: Why would we steal our own diamond? Or kill Doctor? Search Jacob, he’s the bad guy!
Jacob: Why would anyone steal that diamond?
Elder Diamond Heiress: Because you wanted mum’s heart all along! You were in love with her!
Euro Cash, sick of the drama: Cool it with the wild accusations; that’s my job. Jacob, why wouldn’t anyone want to steal the diamond?
Jacob: You could never sell it; even on the black market it’s really obviously identifiable. Also, I’m not family, I don’t have the code.
Elder Diamond Heiress: Maybe my weak link little sister gave it to you! She’s the one who’s responsible for all the problems AND she was boinking Ahmet!
Younger Diamond Heiress: You were sleeping with him too!
Euro Cash: Cards on the table, so was your brother.
Everyone:

Euro Cash: Was anyone sleeping with Doctor, by chance?

While the Diamond family tries to process it all, the cops go to the bariefing room where they review the camera footage.

Woodsman Cop: This definitely isn’t some kind of Oceans Eleven situation though, is it?
Euro Cash: No, I don’t think so. And Ahmet’s death isn’t about diamonds.
Clooves: Sharing is Caring claims someone planted that wallet on him.
Hassell: And I might believe him.
Clooves: But would he kill Doctor? And if so, where’d he get the code?
Woodsman Cop: Maybe he was sleeping with one of the Diamond siblings too; seems like that’s kind of their thing.
Cliff Bar: I feel like the mom is relevant: super intense and controlling, brings in a shrink to fix her kids instead of parenting. Who does that?
Woodsman Cop: Rich people, lol. Speaking of, Diamond Family Therapist’s alibi checks out.
Hassell: You know, I still have questions about Diamond Mum’s death. Jacob is convinced something untoward happened, and Doctor was shifty when I questioned him about it.
Euro Cash: And now he’s dead too.
Hassell: Yep. The records all look fine, but they could have paid someone off. I want to go over it in detail.
Euro Cash: I think we need to go back to when Jacob was fired for more info. Woodsman Cop, get tech to pull security footage from that. I’m going to keep an eye on the main house. Wanna come, new bestie Clooves?
Clooves, confused by his work dad’s sudden interest: Uh. Sure!
Hassell and Woodsman Cop:

They’re right to be intrigued: in the car, Clooves quickly realizes that they are not, in fact, heading towards Diamond Heir’s house. Instead, they pull up at a vacant lot.

Euro Cash: Do you know where we are?
Clooves: Uh, no. Where?
Euro Cash: According to your official file, this is where you live. I know you don’t go home to your mum; she died a long time ago. And you live at that gym. Want to explain why?
Clooves: No.
Euro Cash: I’ve done a lot of wandering myself. Doesn’t mean we’re lost. But I can’t have anyone on my team homeless. I’m not a social person, but I have a boat, if you need it.
Clooves, probably dodging a bullet TBH: I don’t need it, thank you. I have a roof, if I want one. I just don’t go there. It’s complicated.
Euro Cash: Complicated enough that even Big Cheese won’t tell me, which means it’s big.
Clooves: Maybe it’s private?
Euro Cash: We all have secrets. We don’t need to know everything about each other, as long as it doesn’t impact the team. That would be a problem. And if it’s going to be a problem I need to know.
Clooves: Ok.
Euro Cash: Ok. Let’s go to Diamond Heir’s house.
Clooves: That’s it?
Euro Cash: Yeah dude, what’d you think was going to happen, arm wrestling? You’d win!

Am I glad they talked this out? Yes. Do I now also wish we’d gotten an Over The Top style armwrestling competition between the two? Very much yes! Anyway, later that night on a very quiet stakeout, they spot Yusuf approaching Diamond Heir’s house. He rings the bell and is let inside IMMEDIATELY.

After Yusuf leaves, the two head over to check on Diamond Heir. Apparently fine, he lets them inside, where Euro Cash points at a picture of a fancy villa and asks if that’s their place in Greece. Weirdly, no, it’s a house they used to own in the Bahamas. Diamond Heir explains that it was his mum’s favorite place on earth and that she sold it before she died. That sounds weird, so Euro Cash presses, but Diamond Heir doesn’t know much: his mum just did some weird stuff before surgery. I for one want to know more about THAT, but Diamond Heir is curious: why are they here?

Euro Cash: Well, we saw Yusuf leaving, had some questions. Your security clearly isn’t good so I’m keeping an eye out. Why was he here?
Diamond Heir: He wanted answers. Thought I might have them.
Euro Cash: You’re lying. Which is annoying. Yusuf is a shark; he looks out for himself. Don’t waste my time, explain.
Diamond Heir: He was here to extort me. We offered his sister cash, and she said no. He came and asked for more. 50k.
Euro Cash: Did you give it to him?
Diamond Heir: Yeah, right away. It’s pocket change to us.
Euro Cash: And it’s illegal. But he doesn’t have the diamond, does he? So what does he have on you all?
Diamond Heir, clearly full of it: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Meanwhile, in the morgue, Drunkie Howser takes a break from looking at DNA matches to grab a beer from one of the body coolers. We get a LONG lingering shot on Doctor’s face that makes me slightly worried that the body’s about to do something weird. But instead, Woodsman Cop shuffles in, and is very quickly offered a cooler beer as well. Grabbing two, and a slice of Drunkie Howser’s pizza, he heads back upstairs. Some might say it’s morbid, but I have to say, I’m here for it! It’s free refrigeration, baby!

Later that night, back on his boat, Euro Cash has a chat with Lena.

Lena: You seem quiet. Well, quieter than usual. Everything ok? Is it work? Maybe me?
Euro Cash, cheeky: Bit of both.
Lena: Anything I need to know?
Euro Cash: Well. I bought my boss a dog. Instead of getting myself one. I like dogs! And I like you.
Lena: Are you really pulling a Jupiter Ascending right now and comparing me to a dog?
Euro Cash: It’s a compliment. But look, bad things happen when I like people.
Lena: Such as?
Euro Cash, choked up: There was someone… maybe we should just ease off a bit, ok?
Lena, upset but gets that she stumbled into a relationship with a guy with more baggage than a mall luggage store: Ok.

Heading topside, Euro Cash notices a familiar figure on the dock: it’s Clooves!

Euro Cash: What’s up?
Clooves: You said to follow Yusuf.
Euro Cash, alarmed: He’s HERE?
Clooves: No, but he finally went home, and it’s close by so I thought I’d wait.

Just then, Lena makes her bummed out exit from the boat, and after a weird introduction between everyone, she walks away, hopefully not for good. At the office, Euro Cash wakes up Woodsman Cop where he’s snoozing on the couch to ask if there was anything good on the CCTV.

Woodsman Cop: No. It’s like watching paint dry.
Hassell: Checked out the medical records. According to Doctor, Diamond Mum died of a massive stroke, but there was no autopsy report. The family didn’t request one, and the local authorities didn’t require one. The body was flown home a week later; bad weather, apparently.
Euro Cop: Clooves, check the weather.
Clooves: Ok, well right now it’s 57, with a chance of —
Euro Cop: I meant in Greece the week after Diamond Mum’s death!
Clooves: You got it, bosseroo!
Hassell: I’m sorry, did he just pat you on the arm? Is there bromance in the air?
Euro Cash, ignoring that: Before Diamond Mum died she sold a mansion. Let’s find out who to: it was a favorite place, why sell it?
Hassell: Confronting her possible mortality? Downsizing?
Euro Cash: But why, she had a truly bonkers amount of money!

Back in the main room, the impact of sleeping on a couch all night is making itself known: Woodsman Cop tries to take a bite out of an orange, peel and all. Clooves tries to help his friend out, but Woodsman Cop is actually just distracted by what he’s turned up in the CCTV footage: Jacob, outside Diamond Heir’s house, promises that his firing will come back and haunt all three of the Diamond siblings: “right back on your doorsteps.” Sounds awfully prescient, so Hassell and Euro Cash head over to Jacob’s shop, which has been smashed up fairly epically.

Euro Cash: Probably someone looking for the diamond. We better get forensics down here; I think that’s a water jet cutter.

Just then, Drunkie Howser calls them back to the morgue, where they find him napping on one of the autopsy tables. Euro Cash, who apparently does have a sense of humor deep down, wakes his colleague up by turning on a bone saw.

Drunkie Howser: Don’t even think about it. Here, check it out. I’ve been up all night comparing the swabs and there’s no match.
Euro Cash: Great, so we’re here for nothing?
Drunkie Howser: No, and it’s more interesting: there’s a near match. Several near matches, actually. See, family DNA is going to be more similar, right? The DNA on the fingernail is a 95% match to all three of the Diamond Siblings.
Euro Cash: So?
Drunkie Howser: So, whoever left their fingernail in Ahmet’s torso is a very close relative. Child, or sibling. Or… a parent.
Hassell: Could someone else have been their father? We know the marriage was a disaster.
Euro Cash: Well, Elder Diamond Heiress claimed that someone had been in love with their mother for a long time…. Jacob.

One problem: he’s disappeared. They’re posting folks to look for him, and in the meantime have confirmed that none of the Diamond Siblings have kids: Elder Diamond Heiress can’t have children, Younger Diamond Heiress jokes that even she would remember giving birth, and Diamond Heir reluctantly confirms that he’s never had sex with a woman. All three kids also said that Diamond Mum was VERY close to Jacob, but none of them confirm the affair.

Woodsman Cop: Look, I’m not sure I believe any of these people regardless. They’re too rich and weird.
Euro Cash: We need to check everything.
Clooves: But it’s easy to fake anything if you’ve got this much money.
Euro Cash: We have at least ruled out Sharing is Caring: if Ahmet didn’t make it to the date, we need to figure out where he did go.
Woodsman Cop: What about Diamond Family Therapist? He’s weird, and he was at the second murder scene.
Hassell: AND in Greece when Diamond Mum died.
Drunkie Howser: And he wasn’t swabbed.

Items on the to do list now: get Diamond Family Therapist’s DNA, find out who owns the holding company that bought Diamond Mum’s beloved vacation home, and see if any flights left Greece the week she died. It’s possible, they’ve deduced, that someone killed Diamond Mum and then kept her there to hide any signs of the murder with decomposition. When Diamond Mum’s body did finally make it home, she was cremated, so they’re really out of luck in terms of physical evidence.

Clooves: Woah… you said Diamond Heir paid off Yusuf for 50k? He lied: it was actually half a million.

That’s pretty sketchy, so Hassell and Euro Cash head over to Yusuf and Naz’s house to follow it up. Arriving on the scene, they find the siblings having a wild fight, and break in the door to try and stop it. Yusuf tries to run, but Hassell gets him, and cuffs him, in the end.

Euro Cash: So, what were you fighting about?
Naz: Family business, and none of yours. Let’s just say I’m not happy with his behavior lately.
Euro Cash: Hard same.

Later, in interrogation, Hassell tells Yusuf he’s about to be charged with extortion.

Yusuf: It’s a gift. And it’s not like he’ll miss the money, he’s SUPER rich.
Hassell: Yeah, rich people, am I right? Different rules for them.
Euro Cash: They don’t end up in interrogation rooms, do they? I need to know: did he pay you that money for the diamond?
Hassell: We saw you at Jacob’s gem store.
Euro Cash: Why else would they give you that much money? Look, I don’t like the Diamond Siblings much either, and here’s the thing: they’re going to get their money back through the courts, and you’ll be the one in jail.
Yusuf: I didn’t go near that gross diamond.
Euro Cash: Then why that much money? What do you have on them? Don’t protect them, they don’t deserve it.
Yusuf: Fine. Ahmet told me some of what he found out from Younger Diamond Heiress. Basically, the other two Diamond Siblings were going to try and push their mum out of the business. Younger Diamond Heiress was going to tattle, but then Diamond Mum went and died. I just told Diamond Heir what I knew and threatened to go to the press.
Euro Cash: Did Ahmet say anything else? Aboud Diamond Mum, for instance?
Yusuf: No; if he did I’d have asked for more.

Leaving the interrogation room, Hassell and Euro Cash confer with Big Cheese: who could have stolen the diamond? And if it can’t be sold, why take it? Sentimentality? When they get back to the office, Clooves informs them that 1: the water cutter they found at Jacob’s shop wasn’t the one used on Ahmet. 2: Clooves thinks that Ahmet might have altered his route after the phone call. There’s a side street nearby he’s planning to check out. While they talk, Hassell gets a call: Jacob wants to meet, and will be arriving on the ferry in just over ten minutes. As he boards, surrounded by an anonymous crowd, our cop besties pull up and board the ferry. Searching the crowd, they circle the ferry, desperately trying to find Jacob. Finally spotting him by the railing, they attempt to make their way through the crowd, but aren’t fast enough: a stranger in all black clothing stabs Jacob in the gut. Hassell puts pressure on his wound, while Euro Cash calls an ambulance.

Euro Cash: I need to know why this happened.
Jacob: They did it for love.
Euro Cash: Who?

Unfortunately, the question comes too late: Jacob is dead. Back at the station, Euro Cash asks if Hassell is ok, which obviously she is not. But she puts on her brave face: there’s murders to solve!

Hassell: Ok, so we think Ahmet was killed because he uncovered a family secret. Possibly that Elder Diamond Heiress and Diamond Heir conspired to sideline their mum from the company.
Euro Cash: It has to be something more personal than that.
Clooves: And why kill Doctor and Jacob? Loose ends?
Euro Cash: Or they were both close with Diamond Mum. And why chop up Ahmet and dump his body at the Diamond Sibling homes?
Hassell: Because that’s what Jacob said he’d do?
Euro Cash: Agree; I think our murderer saw that footage and decided to recreate it.
Drunkie Howser, making an entrance: Jacob was killed by a stab to the heart. A HARD stab. And the fingernail wasn’t Diamond Family Therapist’s. Bye!
Clooves: Just confirmed: no flights were canceled into or out of Greece the week of Diamond Mum’s death.
Hassell: So they could have flown the body home.
Euro Cash: Great. I’ll ask Diamond Family Therapist about this; you guys find out where Ahmet went. Extra dog treats to whoever cracks it.

Euro Cash and Hassell head right over to talk to Diamond Family Therapist, who’s with the older Diamond Siblings and basically says that they delayed because no one was in a rush to fly back, and that he was there in the first place because he was close with Diamond Mum, and she was going through a tough time.

Euro Cash: And you two didn’t want to pay your respects to your mother’s body? Too busy stealing the company?
Elder Diamond Heiress: So cynical! Who told you that?
Euro Cash: Yusuf, who heard it from his brother. And speaking of Yusuf, you lied about how much money you gave him, and why, Diamond Heir. Isn’t today the will reading?
Diamond Heir: Already happened. Sort of.
Elder Diamond Heiress: Mum left a memory stick for Younger Diamond Heiress (and ONLY Younger Diamond Heiress) to look at. We’re waiting for her to finish up. Diamond Family Therapist is here for that, and to talk about the fact that he’s leaving us.
Euro Cash: Surely with all of this stuff they must need you more than ever?
Diamond Family Therapist: It’s time to move on.

As Euro Cash and Hassell leave, they wonder, of course, if Diamond Family Therapist is telling the truth. They also decide to confirm whether he attended the seminar online or over the phone, just in case. Heading for the exit, Euro Cash is struck by a large poster featuring Unhinged-Big Glasses, and sends Hassell on ahead while he checks into something. Arriving in the workroom, he finds the man himself still working.

Euro Cash: See, I think you’re the eyes and ears around here. What do you know?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: I stay out of everything.
Euro Cash: You were fond of Diamond Mum, right? Must’ve been hard to work on that diamond in her memory. Nice ring, is it new?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: Pretty new?
Euro Cash: In the photo downstairs you’re not wearing anything, and now you are. That’s a mourning ring, isn’t it? Where people keep a token of someone who’s passed?
Unhinged-Big Glasses: Yes. I put the askes into that diamond, and there was some left over. I’m sorry.
Euro Cash: Don’t be, but I am going to need to borrow your ring.

Next stop, Drunkie Howser, who Euro Cash asks to rush analysis of the ring. Back upstairs, there are some additional updates: Diamond Family Therapist attended the seminar by phone (so his alibi is getting weaker by the second) AND he’s the one who bought Diamond Mum’s beloved vacation home.

Clooves: Ooh! Back in the 90s, the Diamond Family used to own a warehouse very close to where Ahmet got that phone call. Maybe that’s where he went!

Obviously, it’s now time for everyone to go check out said warehouse, which is VERY stanky with disinfectant when our friends arrive. There’s also a water cutter, which seems to suggest they’ve found the murder site. Hearing a noise across the warehouse, they creep towards the sound, finding a parked van. Euro Cash quickly opens the door, but the person they’re chasing isn’t inside: they’ve run out the back, jumped in a car, and driven away. Heading to their cars to pursue, Euro Cash confirms that the borders are closed, but helipads may still be an option, especially for people as wealthy as the Diamond Family. As he gets in the car, Drunkie Howser calls with a SUPER interesting tidbit of info: the DNA in Unhinged-Big Glasses’ ring? It’s a perfect match for the fingernail found on Ahmet.

Speaking of whom, across town, we finally get to see the files Younger Diamond Heiress got in the will. It’s a video of Diamond Mum.

Diamond Mum: Hey kiddo. Sorry I’m not there. I’m also sorry I’ve been an absent parent in general. I recorded this in case I die. Here’s the deal: diamonds are amazing, but they’re the hardest material on earth. They also have a weak spot: we all do. The question is, what about you? Are you strong? Do you have what it takes? The company is yours now; your heart is in the right place, and that’s what matters.

LMAO, can’t wait to see what the other two Diamond Siblings think about that! But first, our squad corners Diamond Family Therapist by a helipad. Is he going somewhere? Maybe that fancy vacation house he bought?

Diamond Family Therapist: UGH you got me, fine. I told Ahmet to back off; he followed me and tried to blackmail me.
Euro Cash: About what? Who’s in the car?
Diamond Family Therapist: No one!
Euro Cash, pointing his gun into the car: Seriously?
Diamond Family Therapist: No, don’t!
Euro Cash: So you killed Ahmet, and cut him up. An arrogant, vengeful act, you said. But it was just a way to frame Jacob.
Diamond Family Therapist: He found out about the vacation home sale, and traced it back to me. He was asking all these questions.
Euro Cash, knocking on the car window: Your turn.

You guessed it: Diamond Mum climbs out of the car, very much alive.

Diamond Mum: Surprise! My heart’s stronger than ever. Ahmet’s death isn’t Diamond Family Therapist’s fault; Ahmet attacked him. I tried to stop him, but he pushed me, so I grabbed a brick. And I killed him. Diamond Family Therapist was just covering for me. Same thing when Doctor started freaking out.

Diamond Family Therapist: I found love and I’d do anything to protect it.
Euro Cash: So you stole the diamond so we couldn’t link the DNA inside to the fingernail, which you saw us find. Why fake your death? You could’ve just gone.
Diamond Mum: Oh, no: I never would have escaped my family or the business alive. Have you ever been truly in love? You have to grab your chance at happiness, otherwise there’s no point.

And then she walks over to smooch Diamond Family Therapist, saying maybe they’ll get to be together properly in the next life. Kinda cute, if it weren’t for the long string of murders! Also cute? Diamond Mum’s words inspire Euro Cash to take a chance on love, and as the episode ends he calls Lena up. Aw! What horrible murders will be encounter next week? How many illicit treats will Sniffer get? And most importantly, will we EVER find out Clooves’ terrible secret? We’ll just have to wait to find out!