Every season, the Drama After Dark team gathers ‘round the conference room table to watch the latest and greatest in British dramas. This summer, we’re incredibly excited to bring you coverage of MASTERPIECE’s new show Beecham House. Beecham is a delight: sensual and sumptuous, it features an attractive and diverse cast, a historical setting that encourages reflection, and absolutely to-die-for costumes. I’m here to recap the season as it happens just in case you, dear reader, miss an episode and haven’t yet been able to catch up on WGBH Passport.

Is JB a crow? Because he’s very easily distracted by shiny objects. Case in point, this episode opens with our guy paying a visit to the artisan he mentioned last week, and proving once and for all that he really is a huge nerd for craftsmanship. He compliments the artisan on his talent, and points out details for Captain Sideburns like such a dork that you can tell the artisan is about ten minutes away from falling in love with our dashing hero. But he’s not quite there yet:

Artisan: Thanks for the compliments, I truly am awesome, but this piece isn’t done yet and it’s not for sale.
JB: Ah yes, but I want to put it in a royal palace.
Artisan: Well that changes things; you’ve got good taste, kid.
JB: How quickly can you finish this? I need to give it to the Emperor next week.
Artisan: LOL that’s bonkers.
JB: Come on, you’re a super talented guy, I know you can do it!
Artisan: Yeah, yeah — I’ll get it done but please be aware that I’m putting in overtime for this.

With that sorted, JB tasks Gopal, a house guard you might remember from the first episode, with getting the statue back to Delhi safely. He tells JB that he gets how critical it is, and isn’t worried — it’s only a day’s journey, what could possibly go wrong?

A man says "You know this story is not going to end well."

Back at the house, we are treated to a delightful shot of the kitchen staff at work. Great, now I’m hungry! A feeling that is quickly ruined by the intrusion of Mom Beecham, who’s here to complain, as is her custom.

Mool Chand: What the hell, Baadal? Why is she here?
Baadal: She wants to make sure the ingredients are clean.
Mool, in Hindustani: She’s bonkers, huh?
Mom Beecham: Only English in front of me! Now how do we make this weird stuff into real English food?
Mool Chand: One step ahead of you! Check out this stew I made!

He shows her the stew, and, like a literal toddler, she gags when she smells it. First of all, incredibly rude. And second of all, sorry you’ve never eaten anything with flavor! Just to make this interaction more awkward, everyone’s interrupted by a water buffalo snorting behind them. Mom Beecham is particularly put out, as is PTF Violet, to find out that they’ve been drinking buffalo milk instead of cow’s milk, which, ok? PTF Violet thinks the milk is messing up her hair, but I think we all know it’s just the vastly different climate. Mool Chand and Baadal somehow don’t laugh in their faces, but Chanchal and Bindu, watching from around the corner, get a good chuckle out of the situation.

JB and Captain Sideburns make a triumphant return, much to everyone’s delight. JB hands the staff a rocking horse for baby Agastya, and then checks in with Baadal to relay that yes, the trip was probably successful, and oh, did Ozzy maybe stop by perchance? Baadal doesn’t mince words: she absolutely did not!

Speaking of our governess friend: over at Murad Beg’s house, Ozzy and Rosh go for a walk.

Rosh: Dude, I’m gonna miss you when you go back to England.
Ozzy: Likewise, but you know, you’ll get married and then you won’t need me anymore.
Rosh: I’m too young to get married, but you sure aren’t. Why don’t you lock down one of those two identical white dudes who keep sniffing around? Preferably the one who lives right next door. Give it a chance!
Ozzy: I don’t leave marriage up to chance. You have to be able to trust your partner, and JB is a mystery. A sexy, sexy mystery. Sorry, did I say that last part out loud? Anyway, we gotta boogie, or we’ll be late to visit the Empress. Nice of her to invite us!
Rosh: Don’t be silly: this isn’t a social call, she’s trying to get you to convince me to marry a prince she picked out for me.

You want to know how right Rosh is? The FIRST thing the empress says to her is that she’s really pretty and she should get married.

Empress: You won’t be hot forever kiddo, lock it down while you can.
Rosh: Well you get hotter every year, so...
Empress: A+ flattery, I approve. But you’re too headstrong, probably because your dad/my cousin is into weird foreign stuff, like your friend there. And by the way, I hope she teaches you the importance of being a pushover.

Ozzy nods, like agreeing with whatever the Empress says is going to get her out of there unscathed. Spoiler alert: it does not.

Empress: Speaking of which, Ozz-ster, how is it you’re still single?
Ozzy: Um. I hope things will work out in that regard.
Empress: Begum Samru told me about your whole situation. Just pick soon, there’s nothing worse than fruit left on the vine. Anyway, I’m done comparing you to produce! Rosh, I have a prince for you, and I’m gonna set it up so he meets your dad. He’s a good kid, and my son will escort him.

On cue, Rosh’s cousin Jalal Zaman comes out and greets everyone. He’s particularly interested in talking to Ozzy, because he wants to learn more English, specifically so he’ll know how the British think when they try to conquer Delhi. Smart kid! Everyone is pretty charmed by this, even Ozzy, which is a good thing because the Empress thinks having Ozzy teach her kid is a great idea. Rosh whispers to Ozzy that she better delay her return; it’s literally treason to say no, and then accepts the appointment on Ozzy’s behalf.

A man says "It's a big deal."

Clearly this is a stressful situation; Ozzy’s pretty lucky that Rosh was there to mediate. Also, it’s important to me that you all know that my favorite character of them all, Begum Samru, is back! She sits through this whole conversation laughing at everyone and enjoying a hookah, and if that’s not goals AF then I don’t know what is.

Back at Beecham House, Mom Beecham continues her reign of terror, telling PTF Violet that if they can just get baby Agastya out of his super cute outfit and into English clothes, he could totally be white passing! Folks, even the baby looks tired of her antics at this point. JB isn’t even there to stop it, because he’s off in his office brooding. I’d complain, but honestly brooding is at least half of the MASTERPIECE Man’s job, so he can get a pass. Chandrika comes by to talk about something serious.

Chandrika: Hey so it’s time for the baby to have his first solid food.
JB: Ok?
Chandrika: It’s called Annaprashan, and it’s a big deal and an ancient tradition.
JB: Oh, ok! So we’ll do that!

Chandrika looks very relieved that JB has agreed, and I am too, because this probably means he won’t let Mom Beecham kidnap his kid and erase half of his culture!

Across town at the French camp, Castillon eats lunch and greets a surprise visitor. Who is it? IT’S THAT SNAKE, CAPTAIN SIDEBURNS.

Castillon: I heard you wanted to meet with me. Did JB send you? To ask for that license maybe?
Captain Sideburns: Oh, he straight up doesn’t know I’m here.
Castillon: Then what do you want to discuss? That little road trip you thought you kept secret?
Captain Sideburns: Wow, you’ve got great spies! No, this is urgent. There’s a shipment arriving in town tonight with a gift for the empress in it.
Castillon: Oh, so you’re here to betray your friend, huh?
Captain Sideburns: Don’t worry about it! But you know, if somehow JB didn’t get a license, he’d have no choice but to go back to England. And that works for both of us, because you don’t want him here, and I really want him there.

That’s all Captain Sideburns (who I TOLD YOU was up to no good) says out loud, but his eyes also say this:

A little girl laughs maniacally

At the house, Brother Beecham is getting a massage.

Kermit the frog says "God bless us, everyone."

Across the courtyard, Baadal is preparing to make his move on Chanchal while she watches Baby A, when he’s foiled again by Brother Beecham, who’s continuing to successfully run game on Chanchal. Look, Chanchal can make her own choices, but Brother Beecham is kind of a dog, and Baadal is the sweetest human man, so… I don’t know, girl. Baadal even brought flowers!

A man looks forlorn while standing in the rain.

Inside, Mom Beecham is starting to panic because she seems to be out of drugs. PTF Violet comes to check on her, and seeing how unwell she looks, offers to go for a doctor. But that’s not what Mom Beecham wants. She wants PTF Violet to run out and get some more opium! She can’t live without it!

PTF Violet: Ok, but I need you to do something for me.
Mom Beecham: Yeah, of course, name it.
PTF Violet: I know you didn’t know what we were walking into here, but I refuse to be a spinster. You have me competing with Ozzy and a literal baby. Do more!
Mom Beecham: I really wish there was more I could do.
PTF Violet: You’re gonna MAKE him like me, and in exchange, I will get you those drugs.

Mom Beecham scoots away to avoid Violet’s anger, and happens to look out the window just at the right time to see Brother Beecham escorting Chanchal around the yard in what clearly isn’t just a platonic stroll. She hates it, and she’s not alone, because outside, Bindu is complaining about this burgeoning relationship to Ram Lal, who takes one for the team and goes to interrupt.

Ram Lal: Hey, you gotta take the baby inside.
Chanchal: He likes it out here! Right kiddo?
Maya, who finally has a line: What the heck, Chanchal? It’s time for him to eat!

Maya takes Agastya inside, while Ram Lal pulls Chanchal aside.

Ram Lal: Come on dude, we both have a duty to this baby. Don’t use him as a prop to hit on Brother Beecham, I don’t care how good his abs are!

She ignores him, and walks over to Brother Beecham who mentions that the house is crowded like the bazaar; it’s almost as if that would be a more private place to meet!

A man with flowing hair winks.

She gets the message, and happily heads back inside. You know who’s not happy? Literally everyone else, including Baadal, who watched this whole thing go down and is almost certainly going to be conscripted into taking her to the bazaar for this date.

It’s breakfast time at Beecham House, and let me tell you, meals have gotten a whole lot more interesting since the extremely chaotic Brother Beecham came to stay. Mom Beecham tries to follow up on her promise to make PTF Violet look good by insisting that JB should consult Vi’s dad, who just happens to be a shipping magnate.

Brother Beecham: Oh, nice work ma, very subtle!
PTF Violet: He really is good at getting stuff to England from here!
JB, still oblivious to Mom’s machinations and Violet’s flirting: Uh, neat. I’ll write to him and also mention that you’re helpful!
PTF Violet and Mom Beecham:

Two girls clap and say "Yay!"

Captain Sideburns: Well, this is fun but I’m gonna go get ready to go to the docks. See ya there, JB.
Mom Beecham: So, Daniel, bet you thought you’d get away with being snotty at table, huh? Well you didn’t, and I’m gonna blow up your spot: I saw you hitting on the maid who watches August, and it’s not cool to string people along, especially young servants.
Brother Beecham: Ugh, you saw that?
JB: Daniel, that’s not cool — in this house we are nice, but formal with the staff. It’s disrespectful to be too friendly!
Baadal, internally: Well this is a weird conversation to be standing right next to as an employee, but also, yeah, Daniel, leave Chanchal alone!

A weeping man shrieks "leave her alone!"

Brother Beecham: Look, JB, you are in literally no position to tell me how to behave.
Mom Beecham, ignoring that: You need to get a job.
JB, deflecting: Yeah!
Brother Beecham: Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair soon; I’m just here until my wound heals. And now I’m done with breakfast so goodbye.
Mom Beecham: JB, your brother needs something to focus on, and he’s had a rough time with your dad being shipped off to Australia and all — if you can give Captain Sideburns a job, you should employ the kid as well.
JB: I have to be super careful though! Danny boy could mess everything up!
Mom Beecham: He needs you, and if you train him right he won’t mess it up!

We’re heading to the docks, which are bustling! Thankfully, JB is easy to spot in that big ol’ swirly coat of his, but unfortunately, he and Captain Sideburns can’t seem to find Gopal anywhere. Maybe he’s still on the boat? They head down to the boat, and notice that while the cargo is almost fully unloaded, there’s no sign of the package, or Gopal, anywhere. JB heads over to speak to the ship captain, who looks through the manifest and tells our guy that no one named Gopal was on the boat. JB immediately realizes something is wrong, because he literally got a note just yesterday confirming the itinerary. Captain Sideburns pretends to be equally upset and confused.

Oh NO: Chanchal has indeed tricked Baadal into taking her to the bazaar. I dislike this! She’s there on the pretext of buying an outfit for Agastya’s Annaprashan, and as they wander through the marketplace they run into a friend of Baadal’s.

Friend: Oooh, look who the cat dragged in! Guess you forgot all us regular folk now that you’ve got a fancy Englishman to serve huh?
Baadal: Ah, come on man, I’ve just been busy living life!
Chanchal: Wow, so you’re a big deal around here, huh?
Baadal: Haha if you say so! Well, back to the original plan — bring out your fanciest fabric, friendo!
Chanchal, spotting Brother Beecham across the crowd: Heyyy so, Chandrika will tell the tailor what to do with the fabric, but this ceremony is a huge deal so YOU should choose the headwear for August!
Baadal: Oh wow, that’s so nice that you trust me! I will do it!

Once he’s distracted, Chanchal literally runs off to chat with Brother Beecham. They find a secluded terrace where they can close talk.

Brother Beecham: SO, now I’ve got you alone! What would your family say?
Chanchal: Who cares? It’s my life and I’m young and super into you: let’s do this thing.

He tries to kiss her, but Chanchal gets distracted by a beautiful sound coming from across the courtyard.

Chanchal: Oh wow, it’s a sarod! I first heard that when I lived in… the secret situation none of us will talk about from before!
Brother Beecham, glossing over that, because he has one goal in mind, and it’s making out with Chanchal: If you like it so much, I’ll learn to play it for you!

A woman rolls her eyes

Down in the courtyard, Baadal realizes Chanchal is missing and starts looking for her, only to see her walking around with Brother Beecham. He’s bummed out, and I’m bummed out for him.

Back at the docks, JB continues to interrogate the captain: could someone have gotten on this ship before it docked this morning?

Captain: Ugh, you again? No, there are rules: no boats stop before we dock.
JB: Do you have a record of thefts on the ships?
Captain: We log everything that comes on and off the ship.
JB: Well can I get at those spreadsheets?
Captain: No, it’s official property!
Captain Sideburns, lurking: JB, maybe we should go regroup somewhere else?
JB, ignroing him: Look, who’s your boss?

I’m sure no one is shocked to find out that the captain reports to the harbormaster, who in turn reports to Castillon, and the Emperor. JB storms off, Captain Sideburns in his wake.

JB: Gopal’s super responsible and knows how critical that was. Something bad must have happened.

Right on cue, someone starts screaming from the docks. They race over with the rest of the crowd and see a body being pulled out of the water. JB runs down to the dock, because he can put two and two together. Unfortunately, his hunch is correct: it’s Gopal, and he’s been stabbed.

Back at the house, Chandrika and her ladies are preparing for the Annaprashan, and may I say, Baadal did a great job picking out the fabric for lil Agastya’s outfit, and he, as always, looks adorable. Mom Beecham and PTF Violet have decided to attend the ceremony. Do they do it to actually be supportive, or to glare at Chandrika? Couldn’t say. One notably missing person is Chanchal. Maya corners Baadal to ask where she is, and he, like a good friend, covers for her and says she’s on her way. But enough about our wayward pal: the ceremony has started, and JB got here just in time. He’s obviously fully participating, since this is his kid, but Mom Beecham isn’t thrilled since it’s not a Christian tradition. Chandrika explains that JB is the one who’ll feed the baby, which he does to the delight of everyone except himself, since he’s still, understandably, stewing over Gopal’s murder. Next, Chandrika applies some powder to Agastya’s head.

Mom Beecham: Ew, really? I was fine with the outfit but now his face is all messed up; I’m gonna ask her to take it off.
PTF Violet, growing on me: Look, please will you be quiet? We’re all staying here, we need to respect their traditions!
Mom Beecham: But Christianity!
Chandrika, has had enough of the unsubtle whispering: It’s to avert the evil eye.
Mom Beecham, ignoring PTF Violet telling her to cool it: Seems like a superstition to me!
Chandrika, ignoring Mom Beecham: Now Agastya will pick an item which will symbolize his future.

He picks up a chunk of banana, which we find out means he’ll be surrounded by loving friends and family; everyone’s excited about that outcome, except Mom Beecham, who’s still suspicious of the whole enterprise. And speaking of suspicious, Chanchal does eventually sneak into the group, followed a few minutes later by Brother Beecham. Real subtle, kids! You only got away with it because everyone other than Baadal was distracted by how cute Agastya is! Ceremony concluded, JB gets up and pulls Maya aside to tell her the bad news. And it’s even worse than I thought, because she’s Gopal’s sister. Obviously, she’s devastated. JB comforts her as best he can, affirming that he will always financially support her family.

Maya: Gopal won’t be able to rest because he’s failed you.
JB, grabbing her hand: He didn’t fail me, I failed him. I won’t rest until I find out who did this.

JB heads out into the courtyard and asks for his hat and coat so he can head out on a justice rampage.

The character John Wick suits up for a rampage.

Captain Sideburns, lurking nearby, doesn’t look nearly contrite enough, like the garbage monster he is.

Captain Sideburns: I’m sorry man, I know he meant a lot to you.
JB, on a mission: I will not let him die in vain. I’m going to expose Castillon’s complicity!
Captain Sideburns: Yeah but how do you know it’s him?
JB: He’s the only one who benefits if the automaton doesn’t get to the party, duh.
Captain Sideburns, a snake: Be careful man — your license and our future is at stake.
JB: A person DIED! And Castillon hates the British so much he’d stop at nothing to get me out of here. Gopal was stabbed exactly the way the French soldiers do it in battle. I’m not gonna let Castillon get away with this.

At the fort, JB storms in just in time to see a fight in progress, this time featuring Castillon. He’s pretty good, but the best part is that he wins the fight and smirks directly at JB like the saucy antagonist I’ve always known he could become. They leave the ring and head inside, where Castillon cleans up while he makes JB wait.

JB: Hey I have a question for ya!
Castillon: Oh, you want to question me?
JB: What can you tell me about my shipment at the docks??
Castillon: You accusing me of something?
JB: Nooo, of course not, I’m just looking for information on my stuff. Also… how’d you know about my shipment?
Captain Sideburns, butting in: I think what JB is trying to say is…
Castillon, cutting him off: Here’s the REAL question: how are you receiving shipments without… a license?
JB, not backing down: What you have is a gift that isn’t meant for you. Give it back.
Castillon: Unlike colonies, accusations can’t be taken back. I don’t know what you two are up to, but if you like, well, living, stop talking and get out of here. Your shipment is lost, and you lost. So get out of Delhi… while you still can.

I’m sure some of you were picturing him aggressively whispering that last part into JB’s ear for peak antagonistic homoerotic subtext, and guess what: you’re right on the money.

JB, sexily whispering even closer: When my shipment was stolen, someone also murdered my friend. And I won’t forget about that.

JB and Captain Sideburns leave, but not before Captain Sideburns can have a weird silent conversation with Castillon about their scheming.

What else is happening? Ozzy triumphantly walks out of the house and thinks she’s about to blow JB’s mind with the update that she’s no longer heading right back to merry old England, but he’s not in a celebratory mood.

Ozzy: Uh, what’s up man? You’re acting weird.
JB: I’m all messed up: my friend died for me today.
Ozzy: WHAT? I’m so sorry!
JB: I asked him to watch a shipment I had made for the Empress’ birthday, and someone attacked him and stole it.
Ozzy: Who would do that?
JB: I’m pretty sure Castillon.
Ozzy: But he’s chill; you really think so?
JB: He knew that my future here was riding on that package, and he’d do anything to shut it down. I have to find out where he hid it.
Ozzy: Well, I’ll be at the palace tomorrow to tutor the Prince. Want me to talk to Castillon while I’m there?
JB: He’s not gonna just admit to murder, Ozzy. But I appreciate the offer, glad we can hang for a bit.
Ozzy: Look, guy, you’ve seen what I’m working with. Don’t be so sure I can’t flirt some information out of him.

Out in the bazaar, someone NEW is wandering around. Psych, it’s just PTF Violet, who’s rocking a saree for the occasion. She’s looking for an apothecary, and just happens to see some guys who are a walking (er, lounging?) anti drug PSA on her way to the shop. Despite her lack of language skills, she quickly finds a guy who can help her out. He refills the opium bottle and she heads back on her merry way. Unfortunately for her, she’s not super subtle about the bottle or her money, and one of the addicts from earlier follows her, hoping for an easy score. Unfortunately for him, PTF Violet is, well, no shrinking violet, and she fends him off by biting him, and then kicking him in the junk. Nice work, Vi!

J.Lo gives a standing ovation

Back at the house, she’s understandably traumatized, and everyone gathers ‘round to take care of her. She and Mom Beecham cover up her reason for being downtown alone pretty well. JB tells PTF Violet she’s foolish, but she’s obviously smarter than him, because he believes her faked swoon and carries her to bed. I’m not even mad at it! Game recognize game, Vi! Chandrika, on the other hand, IS mad about it, because PTF Violet shoots her a look that very clearly says “I won, hater!” on the way by.

An unintended consequence of Gopal’s death? Some action, or at least that’s what I’m assuming is about to happen between a grieving “life can end at any time” Chanchal and the preternaturally up for it Brother Beecham. Chanchal doesn’t want to live a life of regrets, Brother Beecham regrets all of his choices so far, Baadal regrets that he picked this moment to walk into the courtyard, and I regret that the camera pans away before we get to see this whole hookup, because while I think Brother Beecham is an inadvisable hookup, let’s be real, they’re both very hot.

Lizzo shrugs

The next day at the fort, Ozzy makes her move.

Ozzy: Yoohoo, hello General!

A man waves hello, flirting

Vijay: Oh, you’re Murad Beg’s governess, right?
Ozzy: Sure am!
Vijay: Fun! I’m supposed to come over and introduce a Prince the Empress wants Rosh to marry!
Castillon: Who cares about that, have you stopped hanging out with JB?
Ozzy: Oh DEFINITELY; I super trust you! Is there something specific I need to worry about?
Castillon: Glad you resisted his dirty charms! But don’t worry, he’s lost his shipment for the Empress’ birthday so he won’t be sticking around.
Ozzy: Wait, what shipment?
Castillon: Don’t worry your pretty little head about it; Vijay has it under control! Beecham will be gone soon.
Ozzy: You might be right! Well, I gotta go talk to the Prince, so toodles!

Back at Beecham House, JB desperately tries to figure out a replacement gift that isn’t the dreaded generic candle and/or scarf. Captain Sideburns suggests that they both ride in opposite directions to check out all the workshops and stores they can find. It would be a good idea, if Captain Sideburns weren’t a complete backstabber.

In Mom Beecham’s room, PTF Violet drops off the drugs, and gets an apology from Mom Beecham.

PTF Violet: Ugh, don’t worry about it. I mean obviously I didn’t like being attacked but also it was nice to have JB worry about me, ya know?
Brother Beecham: Hi gals. Just stopping by to see how you’re both doing! Also Vi I’m gonna go beat up that guy: what did he look like?
PTF Violet: LOL sure bud, you’re very gallant. I’m fine, don’t worry about it.
Brother Beecham: But why were you in a shady alley in the first place?
PTF Violet: I was bored and wanted to explore?
Brother Beecham: Explore… what?
PTF Violet: Uhhhhh… insert made up excuse here?
Mom Beecham: That’s quite enough, go away son!
Brother Beecham, internally: Well that was shady, but I just don’t have time to worry about it!

Ozzy is back, and she’s got useful news: Vijay is involved, and she knows because he’s BFF with Castillon and they were both giggling about JB leaving India. She’s also got more useful intel: Vijay doesn’t live at the palace, but in a van down by the river a house by the port — they definitely could have hidden the gift there.

JB: Damn girl!
Ozzy: Oh I’m just getting started: on Friday, his servants will be at prayers and HE will be at Murad Beg’s house introducing a punk prince to Rosh. SO… connect those dots.

A woman mists herself with a spray bottle

Cut to Friday, and Ozzy is trying to get Rosh to get dolled up to meet this guy whom she definitely doesn’t want to marry. Rosh ignores her and keeps reading.

Ozzy: Dude, come on: we said we’d meet this guy, and you know how pissed the Empress will be if she finds out we didn’t listen to her at all.
Rosh: Booooooo.

At Vijay’s house, three guys in color-coordinated outfits take out the gate guard and start searching the house. OhHO, it’s the delightfully bizarre triple act of JB, Brother Beecham, and Ram Lal, the responsible one, who reminds everyone they’ve got a ticking clock situation on their hands. Thankfully Brother Beecham moves quickly, and finds a guy upstairs who has some answers, i.e. the location of Vijay’s secret hidden basement storage unit.

Back at Murad Beg’s, the Prince gets interrogated by Murad Beg, and folks, it’s not going well for the Prince.

MB: So, what are you looking for in a wife?
Prince: Whatever my dad’s councilors tell me to look for!
MB: Yeah but Rosh isn’t marrying the council, she’s marrying you, so cut the crap and answer me. I have one kid, and I’m not letting her marry someone who isn’t as smart as her and doesn’t value her skills. I don’t care if she marries a prince, you still have to treat her right.
Ozzy and Rosh, watching on the balcony: Yessss get ’em dad!
Murad Beg: Interview over. Skedaddle, kiddo!

Uh oh, that interview was over pretty fast, and the dream team hasn’t made their exit yet. They load the package onto a cart and pass Vijay and Prince Not Good Enough like two ships in the night. They almost get away with it, but Vijay apparently recognizes the big ol’ tarp they have draped over the box, and yells at them to stop. Everyone freezes. Ram Lal jumps down and bows politely, but apparently we’re not going to try and talk our way out of this one because he immediately knocks out Vijay with one punch, says “THAT was for Gopal” and hops back on the carriage. I’m calling it: pretty sure this is the coolest moment in MASTERPIECE history.

Back at the house, Captain Sideburns makes a real entrance, very excited because he thinks he won the Pick a Present game. JB and Brother Beecham gather ‘round to humor him. He unwraps some admittedly stunning earrings, which prompts an actually funny joke from JB.

JB: Cute! What are you wearing with them?
Captain Sideburns: Ha ha. Real talk, do you think this will work?
JB: No. But I have something that will! A gold automaton!
Captain Sideburns, weirdly upset: Where did you find it?
Brother Beecham: Woah, weird reaction. If I didn’t know you played for team Beecham I’d think you were upset about our success!
Captain Sideburns: Noooooo I’m relieved! That would have been a REAL disaster for all of us! How did you find it?
JB, totally bought that: You better ask Ozzy about that! Speaking of which, off to hit on her some more, byeee!

He leaves, followed by Brother Beecham, who thankfully still seems a little suspicious of Captain Sideburns. For his part, Captain Sideburns stands in the courtyard gawping like the loser fish he is.

At Murad Beg’s, JB works on charming Ozzy some more, telling her that he finally feels like Gopal’s soul will rest based on that upsetting conversation with Maya earlier, and he’s happy about that.

JB: And it’s all because you’re so badass! I can’t thank you enough.
Ozzy: I'm just happy I could help.

At the palace, everyone’s all dressed up to deliver the present. Castillon glares at JB and the crew. The Empress and Begum Samru are joined by Ozzy in the gallery, where they all ogle JB (no shame in that game, ladies). Vijay reluctantly intro’s the whole situation.

Empress: So, Ozzy, Begum Samru says you know this guy?
Ozzy: Sure do!
Empress: Thoughts?
Ozzy: I think he’s a good dude.

By now, the automaton is unveiled, and it really is stunning. There’s a flying chirping bird, a roaring lion, a trumpeting elephant, and even a fountain. Everyone in the court is delighted, especially the Empress, except for Castillon and Captain Sideburns. That shade is DEFINITELY noted by Brother Beecham, who turns out to be a lot more perceptive than I thought. Good job, BB!

Present delivered, JB walks Ozzy home when they’re interrupted by none other than my favorite Bad Bitch™, Begum Samru.

Rihanna waves hello

Begum Samru: Hey Ozzy, introduce me to your handsome friend!
Ozzy: Yeah sure, meet JB!
JB: LOL as if she needs an introduction! I’ve heard your army is poppin’, your highness.
Begum Samru: Every woman should have an army; there are a lot of crappy people in the world.
JB: True, but I’m not one of them.
Ozzy: He really isn’t!
Begum Samru: I hope that’s true (: Anyway, I’m off to be powerful and sexy somewhere else, bye!
JB: Wow, she’s a badass and she’s keeping a good eye on you! Do you think I can get away with taking you out of here?
Ozzy: Wait, now?
JB: Yeah! Let’s go!
Ozzy, giggling: This is scandalous, hope we don’t upset anyone!
JB: Hopefully I didn’t peer pressure you into doing anything you don’t want.
Ozzy: Oh let’s be real, instinct is better than rules, or I wouldn’t still be here.
JB: Look, thanks to you, I’M still here.
Ozzy: Well I didn’t do it all for you: it’s good to have a good neighbor ;)

He kisses her hand all romantically (aww) and fails to notice that up in the gallery, Begum Samru and the Empress are watching.

Begum Samru: Do we think we might have misjudged him?
Empress: Well, the present was very nice, but it seems much fancier than he should be able to afford. I wonder how he did it?

A man shakes his head no, and then appears to reconsider, nods

Back at the house, Chanchal comes upon Brother Beecham lounging and reading a book in the shade. She gives him a look, and the camera immediately cuts to them making out hardcore. Yes, we’re talking clothes being flung around, no one’s going to interrupt us, hardcore makin’ out.

Chanchal: I’m ready to do this thing, if you are.
Brother Beecham: I’ve been down since literally the first moment I saw you, so… hell yeah.

Again, I have to say: get it girl, but also, as a former sex educator who knows good condoms just weren’t a thing yet in this time period, get tested after this inevitably ends in disaster due to Brother Beecham’s wild ways.

Later that night, Chandrika is freaking the heck out. It’s late enough that she can see the shadow of JB getting ready for bed in his room across the way. In the courtyard, Chanchal and Brother Beecham are still lounging around in a post-coital haze, when they’re interrupted by Mom Beecham pulling a real pre-burning down the house Bertha Rochester (i.e. wandering around in her nightgown in the dark, moaning and wailing). Upstairs, Chandrika comes to a decision, grabbing a wrap and walking into JB’s room with alacrity and purpose, just in time for PTF Violet to see it go down.

Is everyone on this show determined to continue carrying out their romantic assignations where they can be seen? Did Mom Beecham get tainted opium, or did she just listen to Kate Bush’s "Wuthering Heights" too many times? Will Brother Beecham tell JB that Captain Sideburns is up to no good? We’ll just have to watch next week to find out!

Episode 1 Recap: License to Sell
Episode 2: Are YOU My Mother?