May 5, 2010: Three Wishes: a book about an unusual path to motherhood

THEY WERE THREE WOMEN EACH
WANTING SOMETHING MORE FROM
LIFE, LIKE A CHILD.
WITH NO MR. RIGHTS ON THE WHO
ARE RIDES SON, THEY DECIDED TO
BECOME SINGLE MOMS, BUT ON THE
WAY TO FINDING A SPERM DONOR
THEY FOUND SOMETHING MORE
ROMANTIC.
IT THE TALE OF THREE WISHES.
A TRUE STORY OF GOOD FRIENDS,
CRUSHING HEART BREAK, AND
ASTONISHING LUCK ON OUR WAY TO
LOVE AND MOTHERHOOD.
JOINING ME ARE CAREY GOLDBERG,
BETH JONES, AND PAMELA
FERDINAND, THE AUTHORS OF
"THREE WISHES.
" I WASN'T EXPECTING TO GET SO
INTO THIS STORY.
ONCE I STARTED READING IT, HI
TO KEEP GOING.
CAREY, YOU'RE 39, YOU DECIDE
YOU GOT THIS CUTOFF DATE, 39,
I'M GOING TO HAVE A CHILD
WHETHER I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND
OR A HUSBAND OR WHATEVER, I'M
MOVING FORWARD.

>> RIGHT, THAT WAS THE
DEADLINE I HAD SET FOR MYSELF.
I DON'T KNOW WHY EXACTLY THAT
NUMBER.

>> I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT
NUMBER.

>> SORT OF A FERTILELY CLICK
MAYBE.
YES.
AND THEN THERE I WAS TURNING
39, NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD
HAPPEN, BUT IT DID.

>> AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU
MEET THIS GUY SPRATS ONLINE
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND
HAVE A CHILD WITH DONATED
SPERM.

>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I HAD ACTUALLY GONE SPERM
SHOPPING, I HAD FOUND THE
DONOR AND ON THE VERY DAY THAT
THE SPERM ARRIVED AT MY CLINIC
I MAPPED TO MEET BRAXON OUR
FIRST DATE, AND ON OUR SECOND
DATE I TOLD HIM BY THE WAY I
AM PLANNING TO HAVE A CHILD,
BUT DON'T WORRY I CAN DO IT ON
MY OWN.

>> BY THE WAY, THAT SPERM
DONOR, WERE YOU SUSPICIOUS,
SOUNDED LIKE SOMEBODY OUT OF
CENTRAL CASTING.
SIX FOOT FOUR, SWEDISH.
ANY WAY, YOUR SITUATION, YOU
WERE GETTING DIVORCED?

>> I WAS OUT OF A DIVORCE, I
HAD BEEN DIVORCED AND I HAD
RECOVERED FROM MY DIVORCE AND
I WAS HITTING THE SAME POINT
AS CAREY, I WAS 38, 39.
AND I HAD THE SAME WISH THAT I
WOULD HAVE A CHILD AND I
WASN'T INVOLVED WITH ANYBODY
AND I DECIDED THAT I WENT
SPERM SHOPPING INDEPENDENTLY,
AND THEN PAM DID THIS
MIRACULOUS PIECE OF MATCH
MAKING WHO INTRODUCED ME TO
CAREY WHO HAD SOME VIALS LEFT
OVER, SHE OFFERED THEM TO ME,
I ACCEPTED THE HIM AND NO
SOONER THAN I ACCEPTED THEM, I
MET PHIL WHO BECAME THE
HUSBAND AND FATHER OF MY
CHILD.

>> AND PAMELA.

>> I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC.

>> SO SWEET.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I MADE A NOTE OF THAT,
PAMELA, HOPELESS ROMANTIC.

>> I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO MEET MY SOUL MATE, I
WAS A BUSY JOURNALIST AND I
WOKE UP FROM MY DESK ONE DAY
AND REALIZED I WAS NEARING 40
AND I WANTED TO BE A MOTHER AS
WELL.
AND I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND
LOVE ALONG THE WAY.
SO WHEN BETH OFFERED ME THE
SPERM, I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'M
READY TO COULD THIS.
AND I HAD FRIENDS WHO I
TRUSTED AND WHO I LOVED AND I
KNOW THEY WOULD SUPPORT ME
THROUGH IT AND HAD KIND OF
SHOWN ME THE WAY.
SO I ACCEPTED IT AND THEN NO
SOONER DID I ACCEPT I THAN I
MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND WE
NOW HAVE A DAUGHTER.
IT FUNNY YOU ASK ABOUT THE
SPERM, BECAUSE PEOPLE ASSUME
WE'RE PICKING OUT HUSBANDS AND
BOYFRIENDS FROM EACH OTHER AND
WE HAVE VERY KIFT TASTE IN MEN
SO THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE WORKED.

>> WE'RE REALLY GIVING EACH
OTHER THE MEANS TO BECOME
MOTHERS AND HAVING A HEALTHY
DONOR WHO SEEMED LIKE A
COMPASSIONATE GOOD PERSON.

>> YOU ACTUALLY WENT SO FAR AS
TO GIVE IT A TRY.

>> YES.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> WE HAD BEEN GOING OUT FOR A
FEW MONTHS AND I HIT MY
ABSOLUTE DEADLINE AND I SAID,
OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD
AND USE THIS DONOR SPERM, AND
HE SAID, OKAY.
SO I DID USE ONE VIAL OF THE
EIGHT THAT I HAD BOUGHT.
BUT THEN HE DECIDED TO HELP ME,
AND FORTUNATELY THAT MONTH I
DIDN'T GET PREGNANT.

>> YOU WONDER WHAT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED.

>> WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT
STORY, EMILY.

>> I JUST HAVE TO ASK ALL OF
YOU, IF YOU HAD TO BECOME
PREGNANT WITH DONOR SPERM,
WOULD YOU HAVE FELL LIKE YOU
WOULD HAVE HAD TO CONNECT YOUR
CHILD AT SOME POINT WITH THE
DONOR?
YOU KNEW WHO HE WAS.

>> ACTUALLY IT WAS AN
ANONYMOUS DONOR.

>> YOU CAN TRACK THEM.

>> IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN SOME
EFFORT AND I THINK THAT I
PROBABLY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HARD TO
RESIST LOOKING FOR WHO THAT
PERSON WAS.
SO HYPOTHETICALLY YES I THINK
I WOULD HAVE TRIED TO FIND
HIM.
AND I WOULD HAVE ALSO POSSIBLY
WAITED UNTIL MY CHILD WAS OF
THE AGE TO MAKE THAT DECISION
HIMSELF OR HERSELF.
BUT I'M GRATEFUL THAT THAT
WASN'T A DECISION THAT I HAD
TO MAKE.

>> HOW DID YOUR FAMILY FIRST
REACT WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE
GOING TO DO THIS.
DID YOU GET SUPPORT FROM YOUR
PARENTS?

>> YEAH, I THINK THEY ALSO
REALIZED, THEY GREW UP IN A
GENERATION WHERE SO MUCH
CHANGED AND THEY SAW A GOOD
NUMBER OF MY FRIENDS WERE
SINGLE MOTHERS, THEY REALIZED
THAT AS HARD AS I TRIED TO
FINE LOVE, IT WASN'T HAPPENING
IN THE TIME FRAME IN WHICH IT
NEEDED TO.
THEY THOUGHT I WOULD BE A GOOD
MOTHER.
SO THEY WANTED IT, I'M SURE
THERE WAS SOME BITTERSWEETNESS
TINGED WITH THE SUPPORT.
BUT FOR THE MOST PART I WAS
VERY FORTUNATE.
THEY WERE REALLY BEHIND ME,
AND THEY KNEW THAT I HAD
THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT IT, AS HAD
CAREY AND BETH.
WE FELT LIKE WE HAD THE
RESOURCES, WE HAD MALE ROLE
MODEL UNLESS OUR LIVES AND A
GOOD COMMUNITY.

>> THE ISSUE OF ADOPTION
OBVIOUSLY CAME UP IN YOUR
MIND.

>> SURE.

>> WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT
FOR DOING IT, HAVING A
BIOLOGICAL CHILD OF YOURS AS
OPPOSED TO ADOPTING?

>> ADOPTING WAS DEFINITELY AN
ALTERNATIVE.
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH EASIER
AND CHEAPER TO HAVE A CHILD BY
YOURSELF.

>> I KNOW, THAT'S SOMETHING
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW.

>> YES.

>> ESPECIALLY FOR SINGLE
PARENTS AND THE LAWS ARE
CHANGING, ESPECIALLY FOREIGN
ADOPTIONS ALL THE TIME.

>> AND IT'S NOT LIKE FERTILITY
TREATMENTS, BECAUSE THAT CAN
BE REALLY ARDUOUS.
BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

>> WE ALSO, THE THING IS ALSO
WE WERE ALL VERY FORTUNATE
THAT WE GOT PREGNANT.
SO EASILY, THAT IT WASN'T AN
ISSUE OF BEING WITH
POTENTIALLY RELUCTANT MEN.

>> PAM AND I BOTH DID, AND ALL
THREE OF US HAD MISCARRIAGES
AT SOME POINT, SO IT ISN'T AS
IF I WAS BREEZY.

>> GETTING THE SPERM WAS THE
BEGINNING OF OUR ADVENTURE.

>> THAT MAKES IT SOUND AS IF
IT WAS ENGAGING AND
ENTERTAINING, WHICH A LOT OF
IT WASN'T.
I THINK THAT'S AN IMPORTANT
PIECE OF IT, IS THAT A LOT OF
IT WAS PRETTY DISTRESSING AND
HARD.

>> SOME PEOPLE WILL BE
JUDGMENTAL AND SAY, WELL, YOU
GALS CHOSE YOUR WAY OF LIFE,
YOU CHOSE TO PUT YOUR CAREERS
OVER, YOU KNOW, SEEKING
FAMILY.
SO THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

>> WELL, EXCEPT WE DIDN'T
CHOOSE THAT.
NONE OF US SAID I THINK I'LL
HAVE A CAREER AND NOT A
FAMILY.
IT'S NOT REALLY CLEAR, I THINK
CAREER CAN GET IN THE WAY OF
FINDING ROMANCE AND FAMILY IN
A LOT OF SUBTLE WAYS.
FOR MYSELF I HAD BEEN REALLY
LOOKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS.
REALLY HARD.
IN FACT AT ONE POINT I WROTE A
NOTE IN MY JOURNAL SAYING IF
YOU'RE A FUTURE CHILD OF MINE
READING THIS, I WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT I REALLY REALLY
TRIED TO GET YOU A FATHER.

>> I DID IT IN THE
CONVENTIONAL WAY, I GOT
MARRIED.

>> HOW COME YOU DIDN'T HAVE
CHILDREN EARLIER?

>> BECAUSE I HAD A RELUCTANT
HUSBAND.
AND FORTUNATELY WE DIDN'T,
BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
THE REST OF MY LIFE TOO.
BUT I WAS MARRIED TO SOMEBODY
WHO DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE
CHILDREN AND ULTIMATELY THAT
WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE.
I REALLY DO LOOK AT IT AS THE
GIFT THAT I WILL NEVER SAY
THANK YOU FOR, BUT I'M SAYING
IT ON TELEVISION.

>> WE UNDERSTAND PEOPLE AREN'T
GOING TO AGREE WITH ALL OUR
CHOICES.
BUT WE THINK MOST PEOPLE WILL
APPRECIATE THAT WE WERE MAKING
REAL LIFE DECISIONS, AND THAT
THE DECISION TO BE A SINGLE
MOTHER IS GIVING YOUR LOVE TO
ANOTHER CHILD, ANOTHER PERSON
AND I THINK ALL OF YOU FEEL
LIKE THERE'S NOTHING TERRIBLY
SELFISH IN THAT AND THAT THERE
ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT VERSIONS
OF FAMILY NOW, FOSTER CHILDREN,
STEPCHILDREN, GAY AND LESBIAN
COUPLES HAVING FAMILIES, THAT
THE DEFINITION IS REALLY
SHIFTED.

>> I WAS JUST READING THE
STORY OF EVEN THE DECISION TO
TALK ABOUT IT WITH A DOCTOR,
AND JUST TO GO FORWARD WITH IT,
IT TOOK SOME GULTS FOR YOU TO
DO THAT, TO GET THE BALL
ROLLING SO TO SPEAK.

>> WELL, THANK YOU.
IT FELT LIKE I WAS SOMETHING
THAT WAS SUCH A POWERFUL DRIVE,
THAT IT JUST NEEDED TO GO
FORWARD.

>> WOULD YOU HAVE GOT TEN IDEA
IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR --

>> I DIDN'T KNOW CAREY.
I WAS INDEPENDENTLY DOING MY
OWN SPERM SHOPPING, AND IT
TURNED OUT THAT CAREY AND I
MET, SHE ALREADY HAD THEM, OWE

>> SHE HAD THE EIGHT VIALS IN
HER FREEZER ALREADY.

>> SHE HAD THE SEVEN VIALS IN
HER FREEZER AND IT'S LIKE OKAY,
I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING.

>> WE WERE TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT WILL WE BE --

>> THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO AGREE
TO HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER,
USING THE SAME DONOR.
BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT IT
DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WAY.

>> IT A GREAT STORY.
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING US.

>> ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT FOR "GREATER
BOSTON".
TUNE IN TO THE NEW 89.7 WGBH
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I'M EMILY ROONEY.
GOOD NIGHT.