July 9, 2009: How to give the boot to a bad relationship

WHEN WE CONTINUE, DUMP 'EM,

HOW THE GET RID OF A PESKY

FRIEND, LAWYER, HOUSEKEEPER OR

ANY OTHER PLATONIC

RELATIONSHIP.

HAVE YOU HER WANTED TO JUST

END IT WITH SOMEONE WHO WORKS

FOR YOU, SAY A GARDNER OR

HOUSEKEEPER OR HOW ABOUT YOUR

LAWYER OR ACCOUNTANT?

NOW YOU'VE GOT A GUIDE, DUMP

'EM, HOW TO BREAK UP WITH

ANYONE FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND

TO YOUR HAIRDRESSER.

AND AUTHOR JODYNE SPEYER IS

HERE.

WELCOME.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> I WENT RIGHT TO THE SECTION

ON HOW DO YOU BREAK UP WITH A

FRIEND.

THAT'S HARDER THAN YOUR

MANICURE IS.

>> WITHOUT A DOUBT, BREAKING

UP WITH YOUR FRIEND, I ALSO

HAVE A CHAPTER ON BREAKING UP

WITH YOUR FAMILY.

WHO WANTS TO END A

RELATIONSHIP WITH A FRIEND,

IT'S NOT EASY.

>> SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF,

I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO

HAS TAKE TEN EASY WAY OUT,

LIKE WEANING MYSELF AWAY, NOT

RESPONDING TO E-MAILS OR PHONE

CALLS AND JUST PUTTING TIME

BETWEEN IT.

>> A CLASSIC AVOIDER.

I WROTE THIS BOOK BECAUSE I

HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT.

I WOULD RATHER HIRE A SECOND

HOUSE KEEPER BECAUSE I

COULDN'T DUMP THE FIRST

HOUSEKEEPER.

IT'S HARD TO ACTUALLY BREAK UP

WITH SOMEONE, AND REALLY NO

ONE HAS EVER UTAH US HOW TO DO

IT.

THEY TEACH YOU HOW TO BREAK UP

WITH A BOYFRIEND OR

GIRLFRIEND.

BUT WHO HAS TAUGHT US HOW TO

DUMP SOMEONE OTHER THAN A

ROMANTIC --

>> THIS IS REALLY ABOUT

CONFRONTATION WHICH MOST

PEOPLE CANNOT DO.

IT'S A VERY ANXIOUS FEELING

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOMEONE

IN THE EYE IN BEING HONEST

WITH THEM.

>> I THINK CONFRONTATION HAS A

NEGATIVE ATTACHMENT TO IT, AND

I HATE TO USE THAT WORD,

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE SPEAKING UP

AND HONORING YOUR OWN FEELINGS

IS SOMETHING POSITIVE.

AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

THAT WE LEARN HOW TO DO IT

PROPERLY, WHICH IS WHY I WROTE

THE BOOK, I WANTED TO FINE A

WAY THAT PEOPLE COULD END

RELATIONSHIPS BEING KIND AND

RESPECTFUL.

>> I WON'T SAY LIE, BUT SOME

OF IT IS, YOU KNOW, YOU GIVE

PEOPLE A REASON, WITHOUT

TELLING THEM, BECAUSE I DON'T

LIKE YOU ANY MORE OR YOU DO A

LOUSY JOB, BUT YOU GIVE THEM A

REASON.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

>> YEAH.

A REASON IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE

I WAS THE PERSON THAT WOULDN'T

GIVE A REASON, I THINK,

SIMILAR TO YOU, I WOULD JUST

LET THEM SLIP AWAY OR NOT

RETURN THEIR PHONE CALLS IS AN

EASY ONE.

BY NOT TELLING THEM WHAT THEY

DID, YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE

PROTECTING THEM, BUT YOU'RE

REALLY HURTING THEIR FEELINGS

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY DID.

SO THEY'LL GO THROUGH THEIR

LIFE THINKINGS, WELL, WHY

DIDN'T HE CALL ME BACK AND IT

IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE THEM THAT

HEADS UP.

>> I WAS THINKING THAT PEOPLE

LIKE WOMEN IN PARTICULAR ARE

VERY FICKLE WHEN IT COMES TO

THEIR HAIRDRESSER OR THEIR

MANICURIST.

DON'T MOST PEOPLE JUST WALK

AWAY AND DON'T GIVE MY REASON

WHATSOEVER?

>> RIGHT.

>> BYE, DONE.

YOU SAW THE PERSON FOR THE

LAST TIME, THEY'RE GONE.

>> RIGHT, AND THAT'S THE EASY

THING TO DO.

I THINK IT'S FEAR, WE DON'T

WANT TO HURT SOMEONE'S

FEELINGS, BUT IT'S REALLY

OURSELVES THAT WE'RE HURTING.

I'M A BIG ADVOCATE, GIVE THEM

A HEADS UP, LET THEM KNOW THAT

SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT IN THAT

RELATIONSHIP SOX THAT YOUR

HAIR DRUGSER, LET'S SAY, LET

THEM KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT,

LIKE IF YOU'RE GROWING YOUR

HAIR OUT --

>> AND THEY KEEP CHOPPING IT

OFF.

>> TELL THEM, LOOK I'M GROWING

MY LATER OUT AND YOU'RE

CUTTING IT HERE E. BUT IF IT A

FRIEND, A SIMILAR SITUATION,

YOU DON'T LIKE THIS FRIEND OR

THE FRIEND IS BOTHERING YOU,

LET THEM KNOW THAT IF THIS

DOESN'T CHANGE, YOU'RE GOING

TO END THE RELATIONSHIP.

BECAUSE THAT PREPARES THEM FOR

WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DO DUMP

THEM.

YOU CAN SAY HEY, I MENTIONED

THIS BEFORE AND I ALSO THINK

YOU SAID ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS

IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE

CONVERSATION TO HAVE, SO SAY

THIS IS NOT EASY TO SAY, BUT I

HAVE GIVEN YOU THIS KIND OF

WARNING THAT THINGS AREN'T

RIGHT.

SO I'VE MADE THE DIFFICULT

DECISION TO END THINGS.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KEEP THINGS

SHORT AND SWEET, LIKE REALLY

REHEARSE AHEAD OF TIME WHAT

YOU'RE GOING TO SAY. SO THAT

YOU STAY ON POINT, BECAUSE THE

BIGGEST MISTAKE THAT PEOPLE DO,

ESPECIALLY WOMEN, IS WE START

TO KIND OF END THE

RELATIONSHIP, AND THEN WE BACK

PEDDLE, WE FEEL BAD, WE START

MAKING EXCUSES, WE A OH DON'T

TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

BUT THAT DISCREDIT WHAT IS

YOU'RE SAYING, THEY SHOULD

TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

YOU ARE ENDING THE

RELATIONSHIP.

BUT IF YOU REHEARSE AND GO

THROUGH THE STEPS I TALK ABOUT

IN DUMP 'EM, IT EASY TO DO.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY EASY, IT'S

NOT EASY.

>> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT

CAUGHT MY ATTENTION WAS ABOUT

WHEN YOU GET INTO A SITUATIONS

WHERE YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO

BE THERE, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

PART OF IT.

YOU USE THE EXAMPLE OF HAVING

FRIENDS OF YOUNG KID AND THEN

THE OTHER MOTHER WANTS TO COME

OVER AND CHAT WITH YOU OR

WANTS TO START BEFRIENDING YOU

AND TAKING YOUR TIME WHILE THE

KIDS ARE PLAYING, THIS IS A

SITUATION YOU JUST DON'T WANT

TO BE PART OF.

HOW DO YOU SAY LOOK, I HAVE

ALL THE FRIENDS IN THE WORLD I

NEED, WAY WANT TO BE GARDENING

THIS AFTERNOON, I DON'T WANT

TO SIT HERE AND CHAT WHILE THE

KIDS ARE PLAYING AND THAT'S --

A LOT OF PEOPLE LET THEMSELVES

GET DRAWN INTO THAT.

>> SURE, AND PEOPLE CAN BE

ENERGY SUCKERS AND I DO HAVE A

CHAPTER ABOUT DUMPING YOUR

KIDS' FRIENDS PARENTS.

AND I THINK IN THOSE

SITUATIONS IT'S IMPORTANT AND

ALSO A TOXIC FRIEND, HAVE YOU

TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE

CONVERSATION.

SO IF THIS PERSON IS ACTING IN

A TOXIC WAY OR A WAY THAT

YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH,

LET THEM KNOW, TAKE CONTROL OF

THAT CONVERSATION.

LET THEM KNOW I'M NOT

COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO PEEK UP

AND NIP THINGS IN THE BUD.

>> PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME

SAYING NO.

I WAS GIVING A FRIEND OF MINE

A REALLY HARD TIME LAST

WEEKEND BECAUSE IT WAS 4TH OF

JULY WEEKEND AND IT WAS NOON

AND WE WERE PLAYING TENNIS AND

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO

DRIVE AN HOUR TO ALBANY, NEW

YORK TO GO TO A FRIEND'S BABY

SHOWER.

I SAID WHAT?

HOW CAN YOU, IT'S THE FIRST

NICE DAY WE'VE HAD IN SIX

WEEKS AND YOU'RE GOING TO

DRIVE TO --

SHE SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS IS A

TERRIBLE TIME OF DAY AND I'LL

SEND A GIFT.

>> CALL THEM UP, SAY NOT AN

EASY CONVERSATION TO HAVE, I'M

AN HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF AWAY

INFLUENCE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE

YOU, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE

ABLE TO MAKE IT. SO WORK ON

THAT TONE.

>> CAN'T YOU TELL SOMEBODY

THAT YOU'VE CREATED AN

ENVIRONMENT LIKE NOON ON A

SUNDAY THAT IT'S NOT

CONVENIENT FOR PEOPLE, OR IS

THAT RUDE TO SAY?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE TIME TO

HAVE A PARTY.

>> AS LONG AS YOU SPEAK UP,

IT'S OKAY.

THE POINT OF THE BOOK IS, BE

KIND, BE RESPECT FPL, BE

HUMOROUS.

I TRIED TO INCLUDE A LOT OF

HUMOR.

AND I THINK PEOPLE RESPOND

WELL TO TRUTH.

I THINK THEY DON'T RESPOND

WHEN YOU LIE TO THEM OR GO

BEHIND THEIR BACK OR AVOID

THEM.

SO IF YOU NEED TO BE DIRECT,

AND I WISH I COULD TAKE SOME

OF YOUR DIRECTNESS, BECAUSE

I'M NOT THAT DIRECT, IT'S

GREAT, SAY IT.

AS LONG AS YOU SPEAK UP,

THAT'S THE POINT OF DUMP 'EM.

>> GOING BACK TO THE

FRIENDSHIP THING THOUGH, WE

TALK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME,

LIKE FIRING A FRIEND WHEN

YOU'VE COME TO A POINT WHERE

YOU DON'T ARE ANYTHING IN

COMMON OR YOU DON'T REALLY

ENJOY THE COMPANY, AND THE

OTHER PERSON, IT'S NOT LIKE

THEY'RE IN YOUR LIFE ALL THE

TIME, BUT YOU REALLY JUST WANT

TO ELIMINATE THEM, AND IT'S

NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO HAVE A

FORMAL CONVERSATION, OR DO

YOU?

>> I THINK YOU JUST BUY THE

BOOK, CHAPTER 12, HOW TO DUMP

A FRIEND AND YOU FIND IT.

HAVE YOU TO HAVE A

CONVERSATION.

I ALSO THINK THAT I'M NOT A

FAN OF TEXT MESSAGING OR

TWEELTING OR FACE BOOKING, BUT

IF IT'S A FRIEND THAT REALLY

DOES SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY, AND

AS MUCH AS I TALKED EARLIER

ABOUT TAKING CONTROL OF THE

CONVERSATION, IF IT'S SOMEONE

THAT YOU REALLY FEEL YOU CAN'T

TAKE CONTROL OF THAT

CONVERSATION, I'M FINE WITH

WRITING A LETTER.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU PUT IT DOWN

ON PAPER OR SAY IT TO THEM.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO, AS

TOXIC AS THEY MAY BE, THEY'RE

PROBABLY INJURED OR DAMAGED IN

THEIR OWN WAY, YOU HAVE TO SAY

SOMETHING.

SO IF YOU CAN'T DO IT IN

PERSON, WRITE A LETTER.

BUT GET IT DONE AND ALWAYS

REMEMBER TO BE KIND, USE THE

HUMOR IF YOU CAN USE IT, BUT

GIVE THEM A REASON.

YOU DON'T ARE TO GO INTO

LECTURES, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

CHANGE WHO THEY ARE.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT'S NOT

WORKING FOR ME, I'M SORRY.

>> THANKS SO MUCH THAT IS IT

FOR "GREATER BOSTON".

TOMORROW ON BEAT THE PRESS,

THE ENDLESS MICHAEL JACKSON

COVERAGE, THE POSSIBLE END OF

THE BAY STATE BANNER, AND THE

END OF SARAH PALIN'S GOVERNANCE.

THAT AND MORE TOMORROW AT

7:00.

I'M EMILY ROONEY.

GOOD NIGHT.

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